Coffee Break

“Did you know there are bees under the lawn?” I ask anxiously as I have a cup of coffee with Keanu Reeves. He has come round to do the gardening again, and I feel that he is an appropriate person with whom to share my recent fears about the current bee invasion in Leopoldsburg.

“Biz?” he asks uncertainly. “I do not know this ‘biz’ you say.”

Keanu does not speak very much English.

“You know, bees,” I explain, as if putting emphasis on the word will make up for its absence in his vocabularly. “Bzzzzzzz!” I continue helpfully, making fluttering gestures with my hands. “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!”

The gardener looks disturbed and slightly nervous at my best bee impression. I am a little put out. Never one to have the sense to quit while I’m ahead, I draw a bee on the back of the scribbled notes I have been making for some work that I’m doing. “Bee!” I say determinedly, tapping the page. “Bzzzzzz!”

Understanding dawns on Keanu’s face. “Ah!” he says happily, “Bee!”

“What is it in Dutch?” I ask, always keen to add to my already slightly ridiculous mental store of words in foreign languages.

He looks blankly at me. “How do you say ‘bee’?” I ask slowly, pointing unnecessarily at him and then at my excellent bee doodle.

“Bee,” he repeats.

“Yes,” I agree, beginning to regret ever mentioning this, “yes, ‘bee’. But what is the Dutch word for ‘bee’?”

“Bee,” he insists. I give up, smile encouragingly, and make a remark about the weather to indicate that we are through with the whole bee discussion.

Out of curiosity, I’ve just looked it up. The Dutch word for bee is ‘bij’. Pronounced ‘bee’.

Google search: do bees nest underground?

And the answer, to my surprise, is “yes”.

Did you know this?! It’s certainly news to me. This morning, I was sitting in the garden having a cup of coffee and browsing through blog posts on Google Reader, when I spotted the dog behaving in a very excited manner, shoving its nose and paws into a small hole in the lawn. I called to him, having noticed several similar holes lately and becoming quite alarmed at the thought of the house owners coming back to disover that I’d let the dog destroy the garden. He paid no attention, and I spotted a bee hovering close to the ground.

Alarm became panic, as I’m pretty convinced that a bee sting must surely kill a dog that is small enough to fit into a handbag. Thankfully the bee flew away… only to be replaced by another almost immediately. Hmmm. Concerned, I got up and went over to where the dog was excitedly prancing around the hole in the ground. Two more bees were crawling around the tiny entrance. I was going to get closer, but I have clearly watched too many cartoons, for I knew that a million bees would suddenly emerge in a smoke-like cloud as soon as I leaned down to investigate, covering me, swarming over my helpless body as they stung me to death.

I grabbed the dog and came inside to research bees on the internet instead.

It appears that, in addition to sharing the house with a large percentage of the world’s mosquito population, I am now being invaded by all the bees that have supposedly been disappearing from the planet. This is where they’ve been gathering, possibly building a small underground army and plotting Total World Domination. Lots and lots of bees. Growing in strength and numbers. Waiting for the right time.

Of course, being a blogger, this situation is much more dangerous for me than it would be for a non-blogger, as it is in my nature to want to take a photograph of the scene. Which would probably be a lot easier were I not someone who jumps uncontrollably at even the sound of an insect, and screams wildly if one makes a sudden movement.

The dog became more and more excited as I repeatedly advanced towards the Bee HQ, bouncing around me and barking as I leaned down to take a picture, and then chasing me happily as I ran away, screaming, from the inevitable bee ambush. I was constantly beaten back by bees either emerging from or returning to the hole. The bees do not want the world to know where they have been hiding.

There are bees everywhere. I don’t think I’ll be going outside any more, ever.

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