I have a lettuce, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Since recent posts seem to have involved supermarkets and customer service, I thought that this would be as good a time as any to tell you my tale about the time I was attacked with a lettuce by an angry Chinese woman. Doesn’t everyone have a story like this to tell?

When I was a student in Glasgow, I had a part time job at the Sainsbury’s Local on Sauchiehall Street. I didn’t mind it – the shop was always busy and so the time generally flew past. However, the one thing I hated was the appearance of the Girl With The Gun at the end of the day. It sent shivers down my spine to watch her walking around the shop zapping perishable goods with bright orange “reduced” stickers.

It was at this point, you see, that two distinct groups of people invariably emerged from wherever they’d been lurking. They were the old women (the kind with very hairy chins and trembling hands, who pay for everything in copper coins) and the middle-aged Chinese women. They all made straight for the sea of orange stickers, and began filling their baskets. Before you knew it, you had a queue the length of the shop, just before the end of your shift, full of women with overflowing baskets of reduced items. It made my heart sink every time one of those baskets appeared at my till, because it took a painfully long time to peel the sticker off each item, enter the reduction code, scan the item, type in the new price and then repeat the process at least a dozen times, while the next customer – generally a suit ‘n’ tie type of businessman only just getting home from work – waited impatiently with his solitary pint of milk or microwave meal for one, glaring at you in annoyance. In fact, I frequently tried to either rush through or draw out a particular transaction in order to avoid being the unfortunate cashier who got the next basket of orange stickers.

With the old ladies, it was an assortment of bread, milk, cheese, ham and those sorts of basic groceries. With the Chinese women, quite inexplicably, it was always vegetables; and usually an entire basket of identical vegetables. I never quite understood it – and it was the most annoying one of all, because you couldn’t scan in multiples of reduced items. They had to be done individually, one sodding carrot at a time, even if there were twenty all at the same price.

Anyway, late one Friday night, a basket of orange-stickered Romaine lettuces presented itself at my till. Wearily, I went through the peeling, typing and scanning process, packed the customer’s bag, smiled politely, took payment, gave change, and went on to the next customer. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I watched the lettuce woman inspecting her receipt. The orange sticker people were always the worst. They went through the receipt with frightening intensity, and were almost gleeful if they found a mistake. Not this woman, however. She was utterly furious. Slightly alarmed, I paused in my dealing with the milk-and-microwave-meal man to observe her approaching my till with all the gentleness of a raging bull.

She barely spoke a word of English, but from her raised voice and hand waving and brandishing of the receipt I managed to deduce that I had missed one of the orange stickers and charged her 20p more than I should have. It was an easy (and common) enough mistake, and I apologised and asked her to wait as I finished with my customer. This was not the right thing to do. Incensed, she removed the aforementioned lettuce from her bag and slammed it down in front of me, pounding the counter with her fist and shouting in a language that I had no hope of understanding. I tried to explain that I could not open the till to give her the 20p until I’d finished the current transaction; she, in return, screamed “Racist! Thief!” and tried to hit me over the head with the lettuce.

“Steady on, hen!” said my customer, looking nervously at her, as I panickily tried to open the till without properly completing the transaction. I was too flustered to think straight – everyone was staring, the sound of undesirable accusations filled the air, and an irate customer was trying to knock me out with a reduced vegetable. She flat-out refused to let me press any buttons on the till, and when she actually reached for me across the counter I hurriedly fumbled in my pocket, produced 20p of my own, and flung it down in front of her. She did not appear to want it, and continued to yell “Racist! Thief! Bad girl!” for all to hear. The duty manager, fetched by a customer who clearly feared for my life, appeared on the scene like a knight in shining armour, and I shakily explained the situation to the best of my ability (given that I didn’t really understand it myself). His attempts to calm the woman down failed completely, and in his polite but firm manner he asked the lettuce woman to step outside. By way of response, she attempted to slap me.

I want to assure you, dear reader, that I am not making any of this up. There exist people in the world who will wish to kill you for accidentally charging them an extra 20p for a lettuce. The manager hastily stepped between us and put his hand on lettuce woman’s arm to guide her towards the exit. “Racist!! Bad man!” screamed lettuce woman, pummelling him with her fists. I mean, honestly.

By the time he got rid of her, apologised to the customers, and gently escorted me outside to put a cigarette in my mouth, I was bright red and not sure whether to laugh or cry. The manager wore a similar expression when, at the end of my shift, he summoned me to his office and informed me that lettuce woman’s friend’s daughter had been on the phone to discuss a reported incident of racial discrimination. She was – of course – a lawyer specialising in that particular field. Thankfully she was also sane, and accepted the manager’s account of the incident with a laugh and an apology, but still. What an Utter Raving Lunatic.

As you can imagine, the sight of orange sticker baskets caused me a great deal more anxiety from then on…

Come into the light

Tap-tap-tap!

He Who Brings The Coffee is tapping repeatedly on the calculator.

Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap!

“Broken,” he announces fatalistically.

Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap! Thump! Bang!

Zed and I glance at him in mild annoyance as we look up from our paperwork in time to see him lose his temper with the unfortunate calculator and throw it across the floor. “Put it in the bin,” he grunts in disgust, getting up and stomping off in search of another calculator. Zed retrieves the “broken” one from the floor and quietly presses the “ON” button. We continue with our paperwork.

He Who Brings The Coffee stares at Zed, upon returning to the desk to find her punching numbers into the broken calculator. “Here!” he exclaims, irritated. “Give me that!” He snatches it back, and we hide our smiles at his incredulity. “Did you press “ON”?” I enquire innocently. He glares at me. “Repeatedly! Did you not see me?” He retreats to his chair with the calculator.

Tap-tap-tap!

“Argh!”

The calculator sails through the air again, and we look up in surprise as it lands at our feet once more. “Broken! Put it in the bin! Put it in the bin!” growls He Who Brings The Coffee.

“It’s just solar powered,” says Zed, calmly. “You’re in a dark corner over there.”

“Well that’s absolutely no use to anybody! Put it in the bin.” glowers He Who Brings The Coffee.

“OK, why don’t you use the battery one, and we’ll use this one at the desk, under this light?” I suggest, trying to be practical.

“Put it in the bin!” repeats He Who Brings The Coffee, raising his voice.

Zed and I look at each other. We put it in the bin. He Who Brings The Coffee goes off, no doubt in search of more things to throw. “Don’t even think about it!” he calls over his shoulder.

Zed freezes, her hand only halfway to the bin.

Coffee would have helped

I am beyond tired.

This morning, I was a little worried about what on earth you’re meant to do when you reach this particular stage, because the fact that I was incapable of functioning meant that I could not quite summon up the energy to make coffee. I sat at my desk, eyes threatening to close, life happening all around me but in a strangely detached manner.

“What’s the time, Hails?” asked He Who Brings The Coffee, on his way out for a 10.30am appointment. I looked with great concentration at the computer screen, saw “10.09″ and said “10 past 9″. HWBTC looked at me in some confusion, clearly wondering if he had just experienced the longest 10 minutes of his life. “Err, I mean, 9 past 10,” I said dazedly, before realising that this was an abnormally specific way of answering his question. “I mean, um…” I trailed off and put my head in my hands.

“10 past 10?” he clarified. I nodded, ashamed of my lack of ability in the most basic of time-telling skills.

“Up late last night, again?” he enquired. I nodded, regretting my late night slash early morning geek-alert internet surfing and correspondence. Trying to maintain some small semblance of competence, I picked up a supplier leaflet with great dignity and began to study it intently. HWBTC stared at me for a long moment.

“Hails?” he said finally. “Get some coffee in you.” With that, he left, and I slumped back in relief that turned out to be short-lived when I realised that the leaflet I was so studiously poring over was actually for Domino’s Pizza. Not only that, but it was upside-down.

Making the coffee took an unfeasibly long time. When you’re this tired, it becomes a mammoth task to grind the beans, clean the filter, pour in the water, stand up straight etc. Finally, I switched on the machine with a triumphant, relieved flourish, and turned to investigate the chocolate biscuit situation. Upon turning back, I saw this.

Clearly, my effort had not been enough to ensure that I actually put the coffee, once ground, into the machine.

It was a long day.

The Zoo of Life

“I quite enjoyed Saturday,” said Mum, thoughtfully. ”I found quite a few graves.”

“Err, great!” I replied, wondering yet again about the normality of some of the conversations that take place in my family. You have to bear in mind that this phone call took place right in the middle of a lazy, sprawled-on-the-sofa-talking-rubbish sort of evening with Sister and Kat, in the middle of which I had taken a break from my essay on The Merchant of Venice to perform a Google search on the phrase “are elephants really scared of mice?”.

Incidentally, they’re not. The question arose tonight because Sister was looking through a child’s colouring book and discovered a picture of a happy mouse sitting on the back of an equally happy elephant. “That can’t be right,” she said, “What about that scene in Dumbo?”. My argument that Dumbo was a work of animated fiction fell on deaf ears, and so Google was once again called upon to resolve the situation. Apparently elephants are actually frightened of “unlocatable noises”, but not of mice themselves. One article (which appeared to be taking itself seriously but was really quite funny) went on to explain that “another wrong assumption is that elephants are afraid that, while they are asleep, a mouse might crawl up their trunk and suffocate them.” Yes, come to think of it, there may even be helplines for traumatised elephants, too frightened to go to sleep. Elephants are famously pessimistic, after all, and are renowned for sitting around worrying about what might happen in the dead of night. “Even if this were likely to happen,” the article continues patiently, still on the whole mouse-crawling-up-trunk issue, “it would most certainly trigger an enormous sneezing fit which would prove disastrous for the mouse in question.” Mice are also advised against getting too close to elephants while they are awake, because the elephants will lash out and kick at them. “Overly cheeky mice will not usually be able to evade the blow,” our helpful source informs us, “for elephants are agile animals, capable of moving with unexpected speed. What is more, an elephant’s foot measures several mice in size.” Another fair point. Mice are warned in no uncertain terms that “the effect of an elephant using its foot against a mouse” can be potentially lethal. The internet is becoming a real Mouse Survival Kit, isn’t it? No rodent should be without it.

I’m pretty sure I was going somewhere with this. Oh, Mum and the graves. Actually, the elephant thing turned out to be a whole lot more entertaining, so let’s just leave it at that. I was only trying to point out that I’m a little concerned about the random comments I hear in any given day. Elephants in need of Valium, Mum’s slightly disturbing idea of a good weekend… and it’s not even restricted to my family; it’s everyone I come into contact with. Earlier today, for example, I was chatting to McBouncy when Kate arrived in from a morning of driving to here, there and everywhere. “Your dad was looking for you,” I told her as she threw down her keys and struggled out of her coat. “I know,” she said, looking harrassed, “I had to pull over to speak to him because my parrot has no brain.” McBouncy nodded in a consoling manner. “Are you sure?” she asked gently, “because it might just have very little brain, and you can fix that.”

“No,” said Kate firmly, “My parrot has no brain.”

Friday is Freedom

Sometimes it’s so liberating to get to the end of the week.

Such was the case this Friday for Kate and I as we wandered dazedly around the showroom, switching out lights, locking doors, shutting down the computer and so on. We said goodbye at the door after discussing our need for rest, our plans for the weekend, and even managing a shared laugh at exactly how much had gone wrong  that week – from feeling sick, to supplier problems, to half the sewing machines breaking down. Hooray – it was Friday! We were going home to rest, we could temporarily forget about out of stock fabrics, the man had come to fix the sewing machines, and things were generally looking up.

We set the alarm, locked the door, and got into our cars. As I was leaving the car park, the alarm we had just set suddenly -and quite annoyingly – went off. I rolled down my window and called to Kate, who was rolling her eyes in annoyance and walking back to the building. “Did one of the dogs get in?” I asked. She shrugged and waved me on.

I drove home, relieved to be headed for the sofa, dinner, and a hot bath.

No sooner had I sat down than the phone rang. “Hey!” I answered, stretching wearily on the sofa. There was a short pause, and then Kate’s voice spoke quietly into my ear.

“We locked the sewing machine man in.”

She sounded so jointly horrified and and amused that I could not reply; I just laughed and laughed and laughed.

It wasn’t only that we’d been so weak and weary that we’d forgotten about the sewing machine man and locked him in the workroom. It wasn’t just that his bewildered stumbling around in the darkness of the workroom looking for a light switch had triggered off the burglar alarm. It wasn’t even that Kate, annoyed at being inconvenienced in this way on top of everything else, re-entered the building and reset the alarm with a great deal of muttering to herself, oblivious to the predicament of the hapless sewing machine man upstairs.

No, it was the image of Kate, having returned to her car and driven to the front of the building in order to turn, suddenly seeing the fire exit door bursting open and the poor, imprisoned sewing machine man staggering out in a desperate bid for freedom, forever disillusioned with his job, his trust in interior designers shattered into small pieces. I could only imagine the panic on his face as he saw Kate, one of the cruel, crazy women who had needlessly locked him in a darkened room and left him there without explanation for the weekend. I could also picture Kate’s look of horror and embarrassment, being of a very gentle, generally unintimidating disposition, as she realised that she had effectively become so self-absorbed that she was capable of forgetting the existence of an innocent, hard-working man she had spoken to only minutes before.

I’m still giggling now, thinking about it. Poor guy. Victim of weary women at the end of a wearing week.

Live and learn

“So, what did you learn at work today?” asked Sister as we drove to Tesco’s tonight.

Recently, I decided to stop being constantly bored with my answer-the-phone-and-sit-alone-at-the-desk-while-everyone-else does-important-things job. Instead, I would look for opportunities to learn new skills, thus improving my CV. (Resourceful, eh? That’s going on there, too.) However, there are days when I am so bored that it becomes almost impossible to look for anything interesting to do. Sister is apparently trying to keep me motivated from the sidelines.

Unfortunately, today was spent inputting figures into a database, making the coffee, warding off telesales people and sending faxes. It was extremely difficult, therefore, to answer Sister’s encouraging question.

“Well…” I said doubtfully, “I learnt that when you get hit on the head by a curtain pole, you can still have a headache almost a week later.” Sister did not look impressed. “Umm…” I continued hastily, recalling one actual learning moment, “also, I learnt the importance of checking in an envelope before throwing it away.”

This one really is beneficial, I feel. It was a little unfortunate that the envelope I threw away contained a cheque settlement of a customer account. It was even more unfortunate that He Who Brings The Coffee was the one who discovered my error. It was desperately unfortunate that I had emptied the wastepaper bin shortly after discarding the envelope.

HWBTC looked at me in despair, and, wordlessly, I fled to the storage room where we keep two (metre-tall) boxes of waste paper, packaging and card. HWBTC followed me, remarkably calmly, and we spent a companionable ten minutes up to our elbows in rubbish, hoking through the bins like scavengers. He eventually produced the cheque and waved it in front of my eyes with a flourish.

I went meekly to the kitchen and made him a cup of coffee.

I am Bridget Jones.

Ladies Who Laugh

I got one of my giggling fits today. You know the ones where something really tickles you and you’re embarrassed because it really wasn’t that funny yet you can’t stop laughing? Worse, when the conversation moves on to something serious, and you replay the remark in your head and burst out laughing when everyone’s discussing a tragic death or something?

I get those a lot. A memorable one occurred at work once, when He Who Brings The Coffee approached the desk where Kate and I were sitting and asked if I had a pencil sharpener. “Yes, I do!” I said brightly, opening the drawer and producing a child’s sharpener, “And look! It’s shaped like a whale!”. I grinned happily at him, and he stared at me with such a look of wonder that I burst out laughing. Also amused, Kate began to laugh as well. He Who Brings The Coffee sat down with the whale and just gazed at us as we howled with totally unnecessary laughter, until eventually he began to crack and gave a small snigger. Obviously this made things worse, and when a delivery driver came in and looked quite frightened at the sight of us, the moment became etched upon my memory. It still makes me burst out laughing when I think about it. The fact that it’s not remotely funny is apparently unimportant.

Anyway, a similar thing happened at Granny’s today, when Sister and I were having coffee with Granny and Great Aunt R. The conversation was understandably quite surreal, and Sister and I had already coped admirably with several batty comments (avoiding eye contact with each other is always crucial at these moments). But then Granny looked out the window at her neighbour trying to reverse his car past her own, which was parked in an extremely haphazard manner, half-on-half-off the kerb. “Oh, oh, he cannae dae that!” she exclaimed in alarm, “My hind end’s hangin’ out!”

I have no words. I laughed on and off for the rest of the afternoon at that.

Granny is great, though. Always very entertaining. When Great Aunt R asked how Sister and I were getting on living together, we said we’d had no problems so far. “I have my life and she has hers, and we just happen to be in the same house.” I added. Granny nodded.

 ”Just like me and your Granda,” she concluded seriously.

Murder In Mind

“We’ll need some gloves…. and a couple of shovels.”

I pause from my typing and glance suspiciously at He Who Brings The Coffee, who is sitting opposite me and talking intently to a friend on his mobile.

“No, no, they’ll have to be bigger shovels… heavier, y’know? Need a bit of clout to them.”

I am no longer making any pretence of doing my work, opting for an outright stare as he mutters shiftily into his phone.

“Aye, and bin bags. Not the wee thin things, like. They’ll have to be good, heavy-duty ones. Good and strong.”

He moves in his chair and our eyes suddenly meet, making me jump involuntarily. Panicked, I duck my head and make a nervous attempt to appear busy, shuffling random papers on the desk. They slip from my hands and fall in a disorganised heap on the floor. He Who Brings The Coffee rolls his eyes and watches me as, flustered, I try to gather them up.

“Hails seems to think we’re planning a murder,” he says covertly. There is a pause. Then he sniggers darkly. “No, not hers. Yet.”

I sit up sharply, bang my head on the desk, and watch in dismay as my desk tidy falls over, depositing its contents all over the surface.

He Who Brings The Coffee shakes his head wearily at this fine display of employee incompetence.

 ”Although, the way things are going…” he adds thoughtfully.

There have got to be laws against this sort of intimidation in the workplace.

I really try, you know.

“Take a lodgement into the bank, will you?” Kate had asked me. “And go to the Harryville branch, it’ll be easier than the town. And quicker.”

Obediently I drove all the way in, got parked on Henry Street, and marched confidently into the bank. I gave the teller the lodgement book and a cheery smile. She looked oddly at me. “Do you usually make your lodgements here?” she asked uncertainly. I shook my head, because – not having much common sense re: traffic jams and bank queues - I usually go to the branch in town, to the despair of my employers. “No,” I replied, quite simply. Again, she looked strangely at me. “So, err… where do you normally make your Northern Bank lodgements?” she asked carefully. The clue was in the question. Nervously I glanced around, observing for the first time the large sign above her head, which quite clearly said Ulster Bank. I pursed my lips and looked back at the teller, who was now trying to mask a smirk. “At the Northern Bank, actually,” I replied calmly. She handed me back the book. I took it. “The other bank is…” she began, starting to gesture with her arms, but my small scrap of remaining pride made me laugh loudly and say, “Oh, I know exactly where it is, sorry about that!” and walk out with a fake smile.

Well, look. How on earth was I meant to know there were two banks in Harryville?

Anyway, as I wandered around blankly (in the area I lived in for the first 18 years of my life), it occurred to me that, in direct opposition to my blustered claim about knowing the exact whereabouts of the other bank, was the sad fact that I had absolutely no idea where the other bank might be. Sad and ashamed, I returned to Rio the Clio and drove to the town.

In an attempt to bypass the madly congested roads, I parked on Springwell Street and prepared for a short jog to Broadway. Upon reaching the end of the street, I met a surly-looking traffic warden. “Hello,” I said brightly. He looked at me like I had two heads. “Question,” I continued in the same cheerful tone of voice, as if he had just replied with “Hello, you beautiful young thing, how may I help you, this glorious day?”. He continued to glower at me. Maybe it’s part of their job, I don’t know. “Single Yellow Lines,” I hurtled on, determinedly, “What are the rules?”

“Well,” he said gruffly, “on that road, you -” I shook my head, not having time for a full run-down of the parking laws for the entire town. “What about this road?” I suggested gently.

“Oh,” he said, “no parking till 6.30pm.”

“Well then,” I said, maintaining my cheery demeanour, “I’ll just be off, in that case!” He watched humourlessly as I jogged back to my illegally parked car and removed myself from his annoyed gaze.

I did a lap of the town, parked on Wellington Street and went to the bank. The queue was approximately 2.3 miles long. I then sat in traffic for a very long time and returned to work around an hour and a half after I’d left. This was, ironically, actually longer than it took me the last time I was sent to the bank. Kate gazed despairingly at me as I burst through the door. “Did you not go to the Harryville branch?” she asked wearily. Flustered, I explained the whole Harryville/two banks/traffic warden/queue/traffic jam situation.

I think they’re going to stop sending me on errands soon.

Trust No One

McBouncy and He Who Brings The Coffee are discussing thon fella Hugh and his Chicken Run.

“I’m never buying cheap chicken again!” declares McBouncy, who is appalled at the cruel and filthy living conditions experienced by such poultry. “I was going to go into the Spar for a chicken today, but then I realised that they don’t do free range. And if I go to the butcher’s how do I know that I’m really getting free range? So now I have to go to the supermarket.”

He Who Brings The Coffee is unperturbed. “If that’s the way you feel about it, you’re going to have to change absolutely everything about your eating habits,” he remarks casually. “Nothing’s good for you any more, and everything’s been altered and doctored and tweaked to make it more cost-efficient and completely unnatural.”

“Well… not everything,” says McBouncy dubiously.

“Oh, yes,” replies HWBTC, getting warmed up, “it’s not about healthy animals nowadays. Get them reared and get them killed with as little expense as possible. Take milk, for example.”

Zed and I glance up from the job pages of the Ballymena Guardian with mild interest.

“Those cows out there in the fields,” explains HWBTC, “they’re not even real cows!”

The Guardian is pushed to the side and HWBTC has our undivided attention, a situation that pleases him greatly. We demand that he elaborates on this Fake Cow Theory. “Well, they’ve all been interfered with,” he says conspiratorially. Seeing our shocked expressions, he hastily adds, “I mean – you know, doctored… altered… changed from a natural cow into a sort of – of – super milk machine.”

“So what you’re saying,” I say carefully, “is that we are now dealing with a species of genetically modified cows?”

“Exactly,” says HWBTC, nodding. “Like vegetables, only the next level. And vegetables are another thing,” he adds to McBouncy, “you should really consider getting your own vegetable patch.”

McBouncy looks exhausted already. “It all sounds like an awful lot of hard work,” she says dejectedly, in a sad little voice. “And I couldn’t look after a vegetable garden. Besides, what would I use to fertilise it? Manure’s no use if there aren’t even any real cows any more.”

Another topical lunchtime discussion in the workplace.

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