The Parents go online

Posted on June 16, 2008 by Hails

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

Someone is calling me on Skype. It is my mother. This is something of a surprise to me, as it involves my parents having internet access, and my mother both using a computer and knowing what Skype is. Clearly the Sister is involved.

It has happened: my parents are online.

The Sister (and Kat the Cat) moved in with them when I left, and now there are laptops, wireless internet routers, and all manner of foreign things in the house where it once took 4 people approximately 48 hours to (unsuccessfully) install a new DVD player.

I like that they try, I really do. They are never daunted, even when perhaps they should be. The mobile phone thing was quite successful in the end – I almost never receive blank text messages any more, and Mum even uses txtspk! A product of receiving her mobular education from The Sister, no doubt.

Hello? I say dubiously, answering the call. A rowdy chorus responds, and I realise that it is not just my mother: it is my mother, my father, my sister, some wine, and the cat. The laptop, it transpires, is sitting on the living room floor while they all lounge on sofas around it. I can feel everyone’s gaze upon me. It’s a little disconcerting.

I try to introduce sensible topics of conversation, but it becomes evident that no one is listening to me. “What,” I ask eventually, “is going on?”. Apparenty Kat the Cat has become extremely distressed upon hearing my voice after all this time. She has been running around in circles as I’ve been speaking, searching in vain for her owner, and has eventually deduced that they are keeping me inside the laptop. She is just sitting beside it, staring sadly at it.

It is heartbreaking. The Family are in stitches.

I end the conversation some time later, when I hear a mew and ask Oh, was that Kat?! and Mum responds with a weary No, it’s just your father.

With Skype, it’s just like being at home…

[I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that they can now read everything I write about them, too. Still, I'm far enough away that I can't get into trouble. Heheh.]

Filed under: cat, conversations, family, laughter, normality, parents, skype | 2 Comments »

I am she and she is me and we are all together

Posted on June 8, 2008 by Hails

I can’t decide how I feel about zoos.

The hippy-dippy, animal-loving, fairness-and-justice-for-all part of me wants to hate them for locking wild creatures up in confined spaces for people to gawk at. The less respectable part of me likes them for doing precisely that, because, well, I like to gawk at the animals. I’m conflicted.

So anyway, went to Tallinn Zoo yesterday.

In no particular order, the things that had a lasting impact were:

1 – This sign in theTropical Room, where they keep the crocodiles and suchlike, and which gets very steamy:

2 – A squabble that broke out amongst the seals, caused by an unexpected seagull invasion. I have become increasingly distrustful of seagulls, following the Giant Seagull Incident of a few weeks ago, where I sat quite close to one was almost killed by one. They follow me around now. Watching. Waiting. Making terrifying squawking noises and dive-bombing me in the street. I feel partly responsible for the seal fight, as it is clearly my presence that draws the seagulls in.

3 – The friendliness of the camel, as a species. Or The Amazing Camel, as the sign outside the camel enclosure proudly proclaimed. One actually stuck its head through the fence as I was mid-conversation with it (I found it more difficult to communicate with the animals in Tallinn Zoo than in Belfast Zoo, as my Estonian conversation skills are still sadly rather poor. But I tried. And they weren’t overly critical of my limited vocabulary), and puckered its lips to give me a kiss. Riho was a little less enthusiastic about this, as he was quite startled to discover one eating his hair as he concentrated on taking a picture of the other one kissing me.

4 – A real, living Crazy Cat Lady. It was like meeting myself 50 years later, as this is almost certainly how I am going to turn out. She appeared by my side as I was waiting patiently to get a shot of some sort of jungle cat, and said something in an urgent, fast-paced whisper. I shrugged apologetically. “Ma ei räägi eesti keelt.” This did not deter her: clearly, she sensed a Crazy Cat Lady bond that no language barrier could break. She babbled something else, and then beckoned me closer as she turned her attention to the afore-mentioned large cat. “Tsst-tsst-tsst!” she hissed in quite an alarming manner, followed by a lot of scary-sounding mumbling. “Tsst-tsst-tsst!” I was greatly impressed to see the cat pause, turn, and then walk slowly towards her. She said something to me, and I understood that I was to take my photographs now. “Thanks,” I said, quite amused, as I left her crooning to the cat, which now appeared to be swaying slightly.

I was more than a little disturbed when, having completed my tour of the Big Cat enclosures, I returned to take a picture of Crazy Cat Lady, and found her chanting what could easily have been some kind of spell under her breath as she gazed at a tiger. It was decidedly unsettling to see the sleeping tiger open its eyes, raise its head as if in a trance, and slowly get up and pad with the softness of an elderly tabby cat towards the mad, whispering woman without breaking eye contact. Not knowing whether to feel more awed or frightened, I backed away.

The awe is certainly there. The fear, however, comes from a strong suspicion that this is what lies ahead of me. Cat whispering. This encounter was just a glimpse into the future of my eternal spinsterhood. Crazy Cat Lady knew it. She sensed the connection, the bond. She knew. I am doomed.

Filed under: animal cruelty, cat, contemplation, conversations, Estonia, Fear, weird, worry, zoo | 7 Comments »

Guest Spot #2

Posted on May 7, 2008 by Hails

Recently, there were a few requests for a farewell post from everyone’s favourite lunatic, Kat the Cat. I don’t know whether to be proud or hurt that her writing is clearly much more popular than mine, but my blog is as much for my readers as for myself, and I have grudgingly given in. And so, for the second (and final) time, I give you…

Kat’s Mewsings

One is not amused.

One has had the feeling forrr some time now that Something is definitely Going On, owing to the appearrrance of many boxes and bags in one’s house and Yerrr Wumman’s apparrrent deterrrmination to cause as much chaos and disrrruption to one’s norrrmally strrress-frrree life as possible. Then people starrrted calling rrround and hugging Yerrr Wumman quite tearrrfully. One thought perrrhaps Yerrr Wumman was dying, and was even starrrting to feel a little sympathetic.

But then, tonight, one overrrhearrrd a most distrrressing converrrsation between Yerrr Wumman and Yerrr Otherrr Wumman Who Seems To Have Been Living In One’s House Forrr Severrral Months Without Everrr Asking One’s Perrrmission. It seems that Yerrr Wumman is leaving the countrrry at the weekend! Not that one is going to miss herrr, orrr anything, with herrr ditherrring and forrrrgetting to let one in when one is stuck outside in the rrrain. Why, just today she attempted to thrrrow one out with a bag of videos and clothes, claiming not to have known that one had currrled up inside the bag forrr a much-needed nap! No, it is more a case of the fact that one is apparrrently going to be homeless.

One hearrrd herrr telling Yerrr Otherrr Wumman that she can’t find anyone to adopt one. One is morrre than a little offended. Yerrr Otherrr Wumman is going to rrremain in one’s house forrr a few weeks, but afterrr that, it seems that one is going to be out on one’s earrr.

And so, rrreaders, one asks you to searrrch deep within yourrr hearrrt until you discoverrr yourrr need forrr a Verrry Imporrrtant Cat. One simply cannot become some kind of vagabond, reduced to living on the strrreets like Evil Tom Cat (one’s ex). One has taken the matterrr into one’s own paws. Let the offerrrs commence, please.

And good rrriddance to Yerrr Wumman. One is cerrrtain that one can do so much betterrr…

Filed under: anger, blogging, cat, conversations, Moving house, Uncategorized, woe | 1 Comment »

Mixed Emotions

Posted on May 4, 2008 by Hails

This time next week, I will have said my goodbyes, handed over my house keys, deposited Kat the Cat with her (as yet unconfirmed) adoptive family, and left Ballymena behind me. I am, to be quite honest, scared out of my mind. I’m also very excited, full of anticipation, and very much looking forward to the start of this next chapter.

As I sit here in my de-personalised kitchen, with its empty workspaces and Artless Fridge, I’m feeling suddenly quite alone and uncertain. Last night, at a final gathering with some of my closest friends, the reality of saying goodbye began to kick in. I love my friends very much, and it’s comforting to know that they’ll continue to be an important part of my life no matter how far apart we may be. It’s just going to be strange not seeing them from day to day: meeting for coffee, sitting around strumming guitars and singing, having dinner together, doing all those casual, ‘nothing in particular’ things that we take for granted. I admit to a teary moment just now!

And yet I know that however emotional and sentimental I may become from time to time, the little things in life will always continue to make me laugh. Which is why I am grateful for the delightful character that is Dirk, who this week realised that he no longer had any clothes to wear, having not bothered doing any laundry for a ridiculously long time. All the whites were hurriedly and tightly bundled into the machine. It was a tragic oversight, the one red item that he later discovered amongst them.

 

“I guess I’d better get used to pink,” he said eventually. Ah, Dirk. You make it so easy to go from tears to laughter in a very short space of time.

Filed under: boys, cat, changes, Fear, friends, laughter, Mishaps, pretty pink clothes, sad, sentimentality, tears | 6 Comments »

And miles to go before I sleep…

Posted on April 30, 2008 by Hails

Why, oh why do I always leave everything to the last minute? There are 11 days until my leaving date, and only yesterday did The Fear finally kick in enough to make me start panicking and trying to get organised. It’s hard to think about sitting down and writing an even vaguely entertaining blog post when the majority of your house looks something like this:

Disorganised Chaos. So just \'chaos\', really.

 And that’s the least of it. Eagle-eyed readers should be able to spot the roll of tape hanging from my laptop. This is because it is dying. Dying. I have resorted to taping it together so that all the internal connections are pushed together to an extent where things actually appear on the screen. It’s all very upsetting.

I type this hastily thrown together blog post amidst a sea of priceless (and worthless) possessions, and growing feelings of despair and panic. I’m trying to be ruthless and just get rid of anything I don’t genuinely need. The theory is that everything else will then fit into this:

Excuse me while I laugh mockingly at my own theory. The things you find, though! Carefully collected merchandise… childhood books and toys… notes passed amongst schoolfriends… mix tapes made as a dreamy teenager… gifts received long ago… hundreds and hundreds of photographs…

It is a long, emotional, nostalgic and unsettling process. And some people are just no help at all:

Filed under: cat, changes, children's books, confusion, contemplation, decisions, disorganisation, Fear, freak-out, Moving house, sad, sentimentality, time out, travel, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Hairpains

Posted on April 24, 2008 by Hails

I send Jo a very harrassed text message. I’m not sure if it’s even possible for a text message to be harrassed, but if it is, then this one certainly merits that description.

Hair has reached emergency horror stage. Urgently need help. Please advise.

I return to staring gloomily into the mirror.

My problem is that I get bored too quickly. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my funky spikey haircut (ignoring Max’s opinion that it looked like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards and then put hair gel on the resulting mess). It made me look dangerous, rebellious, super-confident and even a little bit crazy. It also took approximately 23 seconds to style. All good. However, a year on, and I feel that I need a change. When I mentioned this to Jo several weeks ago, she said “Just let it grow for a while and we’ll see what we can do before you leave the country”.

By last week, The Sister was visibly flinching every time she saw The Hair. The Sister cannot leave the house without applying full make-up, straightening her hair to ruler-like standards, and ensuring that she is impeccably dressed. This is probably why she is the one who gets asked out on dates, and I am the one who sits at home watching Ally McBeal and arguing with the cat. Anyway, The Sister has been finding The Hair difficult to cope with. After several remarks about how I “really must do something” with it, and several frustrated attempts to tuck bits behind my ears, she arrived home from the town with a hair band and child’s clips.

“Sit still!” she ordered, taking charge of the situation with grim determination.

Now I still have Mad Hair, but it is heavily decorated Mad Hair. And the other day someone thought I was 16. The whole thing is just woeful. I wake up in the morning and am momentarily frightened when I catch sight of The Hair in the mirror. It sticks out at all angles in a genuinely terrifying manner. I realise that it always stuck out at all angles when it was spiked, but now the ‘spikes’ are the length of my index finger, and that’s not so good.

And so I have sent out a cry for help. Jo phones me immediately. “Right,” she says in a comfortingly businesslike way, “there is no need to panic. How bad is it?”

“It’s bad, Jo!” I wail hopelessly. “And not only that, it’s mad, too!”

“OK,” says Jo, thinking fast. “Can you make it through the weekend?”

I peer out from behind my nose-length fringe, and observe The Hair in the mirror once more. “I think so,” I say resignedly, since this is clearly what she wants me to say.

“Tuesday morning, 10.30,” she concludes, satisfied. “Come round, I’ll look at it, we’ll talk it through. It’ll be OK. I promise.”

She does not know. She has not seen The Hair.

Filed under: advice, Ally McBeal, cat, changes, contemplation, conversations, decisions, friends, hair, woe, worry | 3 Comments »

Someone’s Watching

Posted on April 23, 2008 by Hails

It’s early in the morning, and Kat and I are having some quality bonding time. By this, I mean that she is lying on my pillow looking as haughty as ever, I am attempting to cuddle her, and she, in turn, is not swiping me across the face with her claws. It’s a precious moment.

As we lie here, Kat and I, I share my early morning thoughts with her. They mostly involve how tired I am, how much I’m going to miss her when I leave, and how I forgot to put the leftovers from last night’s Chinese into the fridge. The more I dwell upon this, the more attractive those leftovers begin to look, to my sleep-deprived mind. In my sleepiness, I half-dream/half-consider going downstairs and reheating the food, making some more rice and so on. Although it is only 6am, I can almost smell the curry. I feel ashamed to be desiring such things at this time of the morning; it cannot be normal. Kat, for one, looks extremely judgemental.

Just then, my computer makes a little ding noise from beide the bed, informing me of a new email. I yawn, stretch, detach myself from the cat, and roll over to take a sleepy look at the screen.

The email is from WeightWatchers.

Of course, I know in my head that it’s not actually possible for the internet to be intercepting my thoughts. But sometimes the sneaking suspicion that there is Something Weird Going On just becomes too powerful to ignore.

Guiltily, I delete the email and roll over to go back to sleep. I swear the cat is smirking. She knows…

Filed under: cat, confusion, contemplation, food, greed, paranoia, tiredness | 5 Comments »

Utterly Unappreciated

Posted on April 17, 2008 by Hails

“Kaaaaaaat!”

I stood at the back door shaking the cat food like Crazy Cat Lady. There came the familiar tinkling noise of Kat the Cat’s collar bell, and I waited for her appearance.

Miaow!

The distressed noise came from somewhere above my head, and I rolled my eyes in some annoyance. She was on the conservatory roof again.

“Get down!” I ordered firmly, stepping out into the yard to look up and glare sternly at the cat. She hesitantly put a paw over the edge of the roof. “No!” I yelped in alarm, “Not like that, you twit! Climb down the way you got up!” Kat stared blankly at me, ran along the edge of the roof several times, and then crouched down nervously. I sighed.

“Here,” I said patiently, lifting the lid of a Kerbie box over my head and setting it in front of my incredibly stupid pet, “Step on to this. Come on. There’s a good cat. Come on, Kat…”

No amount of coaxing would persuade her that I could be trusted. I returned to the house, but after a frustrating few minutes of hanging out the bathroom window in an attempt to drag her upwards, I found myself outside once again.

“Right!” I said determinedly, really trying not to lose my temper as she whimpered pathetically at the edge of the roof. “You want me to come up there? Fine. It’s not like I have anything better to do than clamber around on rooftops in the dark, rescuing mentally challenged animals.”

Miaow! said Kat, pitifully.

I climbed on to the garden wall, hoisted myself up on to the gate pillar, and wobbled precariously, my hands on the conservatory roof. “Come on, Kat!” I said in a voice that was much more gentle than I felt. She ran gratefully towards me and I caught hold of her. I paused momentarily, wondering how to get back down without the use of my hands. Could I just throw the cat, or would that be mean?

Kat the Cat read my hesitation as a murder plot, and went into automatic defence mode. Miaow! she cried angrily, as her claws came out and swiped me across the face. “Owwwww!” I howled, staggering back and making a less than graceful dismount from the pillar, all the while holding the cat above my head in a most self-sacrificial manner. Kat stalked indignantly into the house without a murmur of gratitude.

I sat for a long time in the yard, clutching my injured ankle with one hand and rubbing my scratched face with the other.

Seriously. Whoever ends up with my cat when I leave: good luck with that. Let me know how it all works out for you.

Filed under: blood, cat, ingratitude, Mishaps, pain, pets, rescue | 6 Comments »

Does anybody want a cat?

Posted on April 7, 2008 by Hails

Apologies for the cryptic style of the previous post, but I was a little fragile after my last day at the job where I’ve been for the past four and a half years, and found a roundabout approach much easier to deal with than a dramatic announcement. Now, however, I’m looking forward to the future with a level of enthusiasm and excitement that I haven’t felt for a number of years. I’m going to see what’s out there, beyond my sheltered life here in Ballymena, and I’m not coming back unless I find myself penniless, homeless, and in need of my old bedroom at The Parents’ house.

A few weeks ago, I told you that I wanted to be a writer, and asked for ideas on how to make that happen. I was very touched by the level of response I received. In the end, it was an email from Cyberscribe, directing me to information about freelance writing in Europe, that sowed the seed in my mind. I’ve always wanted to travel. Why am I still here?

And so, my friends, I’m leaving. I’m going to make the most of the ’in between jobs’ stage and use this time to visit friends in a couple of different countries. From there, I’m going to France, where I intend to rent un appartement and get a job of any description in order to, you know, live. In my spare time, I will be seeing as much of the country as I can, and attempting to become a published writer. Travel writing is appealing greatly to me at the moment (but travel writing in my own unusual way!), and of course I will be continuing with Coffee Helps. You didn’t think you were getting rid of me that easily, did you?!

In the midst of a time of significant change and a flurry of activity, with a list of Loose Ends Needing Tied Up and frequent bouts of panic, it would be easy for some little details to slip my mind. There’s one small issue, though, that I can’t quite get away from…

Take me with you, Maman!! 

 ”Take me with you, Maman!!” - Kat Le Chat

 

Filed under: advice, blogging, careers, cat, changes, contemplation, decisions, Fear, work, writing | 14 Comments »

Tormented And Demented

Posted on April 1, 2008 by Hails

Things took a turn for the worse this morning, as far as the whole stalker/cat thing goes.

We’re really getting a little fed up with the constant eerie howling outside, although the plus side to this is that Kat also seems to have had enough of it. She scared the wits out of me last night. I was innocently sitting on the sofa writing an email, and the cat suddenly sprang up from my knee, leapt dramatically over my head, slammed into the window and started hissing violently at Tom, who continued to wail on the other side of the glass.

“Howwwwwwwl!” said Tom Cat, staring obsessively through the window.

“Hissssssssssss!” said Kat, glaring back with the fury of a woman scorned.

“Arrrghhhhhhh!” said I, dropping the laptop and shielding my head in fright.

“What,” said The Sister angrily, coming into the room holding her First Aid revision notes, “is going on now?”

The three of us sat in a defensive line at the window, staring out at Tom Cat. Tom Cat stared back, evilly.

He is not taking the hint, for I think he sat there all night. “Please, please go away!” I pleaded reasonably with him as I left for work this morning. He hissed viciously at me, and I edged nervously around him, backing out of the garden gate and running to the car.

I’d only been in work for 20 minutes when the text message arrived from The Sister. The inevitable had happened, and all hell had broken loose.

OMG!!!  Scared. Evil cat got in2 house, is goin mad. Him & kat in ur bed, peed everywhere, told u he is MAD. Help… am so late 4 wrk but can’t gt him out!!

I could do nothing but sit with my head in my hands, moaning softly. Evil Tom Cat has destroyed my home and ravaged my cat. In my bed. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and was doing a strange combination of both when Zed arrived. Wordlessly, I reached her my phone, and she read the message. Also without a word, she slid the diary across the desk to me, circling today’s date before giving me an affectionate pat on the shoulder and walking away.

I wish people would stop taking a hand out of me. It’s too easy - surely it should have stopped being fun by now? 

Filed under: anger, bed-wetting, break-in, cat, Fear, freak-out, jokes, stalking | 6 Comments »

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