The Century

Posted on August 17, 2007 by Hails

Yesterday, I passed the 100 mark in my blog stats’ daily views.

I am flattered and slightly stunned that so many people are reading this frivolous nonsense on a daily basis, but also a little confused. Firstly, where is everyone coming from? My stats show me all the links that people have clicked to reach me, but on any given day these figures only account for about 5% of the total visitors. I also have the entertaining privilege of seeing what people have typed into search engines in order to end up at my page (for anyone who’s keeping track, the ‘blowing up frogs’ theme is, bizarrely, still way out in front), but again, this only accounts for a very small handful of visitors. Where are all the rest coming from?

 I’ve seen a gradual increase in readers since I started out in May with, I think, only one. (Thank you, Nelly.) By the start of July I had about 20 a day, by the end of July it was around 40, and by this week I was averaging 60-80 daily views. This is very cool. And thank you to you, if you are a regular reader – you have given me a small glimpse of what it would have been like to achieve my dream of being a published writer and having Real Live People reading my writing!

However, yesterday’s surge has caused me to think, which is never a good thing. And my questions remain.

1 – Where are all the new readers coming from if they’re not clicking links or finding me by accident on Google?

2 -If all these people are reading, how come only about half a dozen ever comment on my posts?

Horrifying Thought. Maybe people are reading and dying of boredom, rendering them unable to post a comment!!! This would be terrible and very sad, and I sincerely hope that it is not the case.

Anyway, self-absorbed pondering aside, I want to encourage you (yes, YOU) to enter the entertaining and hilarious world that is the Blogosphere. Check out some of my favourites – in addition to my afore-mentioned First Reader/Blog Encourager, there’s also JonnyB (laugh-out-loud funny – he writes like I can only dream of being able to, but I can’t be jealous because I just love him. He has never, ever accused me of being a stalker. Well, maybe just the once.), Petite Anglaise (English girl living in Paris, very famous in the blogging world, and writes posts about French culture that both amuse and fascinate me) and K8 the Gr8 (who reminds me of me a little bit, with her take on life  - except she has a child, which makes her infinitely more grown up, in my eyes!).

Blogging is the way forward, I feel. Although I have to say, I’m starting to experience my own life in a weird, second-hand kind of way – i.e. I’ll subconsciously detach myself from an event as it’s happening, because I’m already thinking about how I might write about it later on. I’m pretty sure the day is coming when I’ll actually leave mid-situation to start blogging about it, and then realise with a sudden tragic surge of irony that I don’t know how it ended.

And finally, don’t you just love the word blog? Blog, blog, blog. Blogging, blogger, blogged.

Blog on, my friend. Blog on.

Filed under: blogging, confusion, dreams, frogs, Google, mysteries, search engines | 14 Comments »

Troubled

Posted on July 23, 2007 by Hails

I don’t like to keep harping on about it, right, but the frog thing is really bothering me.

I check my blog stats page most days, and see things like how many people have visited the blog, what they’ve read, how they found me, and so on and so forth. One of the sections is entitled “search engine terms”, and tells me the exact words and/or phrases people have typed into search engines to find my page. Now, the second most popular one is ‘Harry Potter’ (hence my cunning use of his name once more, in this post – hehe…), which is completely understandable, given the hype of this past weekend. However, the most used words/phrases that have led to people finding this blog are all frog related:

frog blow straw

blowing up frogs

exploding frogs

frog inflate drinking straw

and several other variations of the same horrific idea. WHY??!! Why on earth are a multitude of people googling this topic on a daily basis?! As a result, the Frog Blog has been my most read and most commented post to date, and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of the frog-torturing maniacs who populate this world we live in. Sick, I tell you! Where did it all go wrong?

In the words word of The Biscuit: Troubled.

Filed under: animal cruelty, blogging, confusion, death, frogs, Google, Harry Potter, mysteries, search engines, weird | 1 Comment »

In the dead of night

Posted on July 22, 2007 by Hails

12.30am. I’m curled up on the sofa, where I’ve been for somewhere between 7 hours and a year, engrossed in the new Harry Potter book.

You still up?

The text is from Dirk. Dragged back to reality, I hear voices outside, and when I go to the door I am greeted by Dirk and Fisherboy, a sharp stick, and a pair of rubber gloves. “Have you got a spade?” inquires Fisherboy, casually. “And a flashlight?” They gaze at me in the manner of people who see nothing unusual about going to someone’s door in the middle of the night, carrying a stick and a pair of rubber gloves, and requesting a spade and a flashlight.

The world of wizardry, goblins, Horcruxes and Hallows vanishes like a house elf Disapparating. I stare at them in horror. “Who have you killed?” Dirk looks blankly at me. Fisherboy rolls his eyes, in a “we’ve got far more important things to do” kind of way. “We’ve got a hedgehog!” he informs me. “We’re trying to find it some worms to eat.” They continue to gaze expectantly at me as my brain struggles to adapt to this new form of reality.

“Have you got a spade and a flashlight?” finishes Fisherboy. I look helplesssly at Dirk, but find no faint glimmer of sense or sanity in his eyes. ”No,” I reply, weakly. “Neither?” asks Dirk. “Neither,” I agree. I am invited in next door to inspect the new housemate. Bemused, and still clutching my mug of coffee, I follow. Clearly, they have taken leave of their senses. As I enter the house, I see that they are not the only ones. Jay is lying on the floor, nose-to-nose with a surprised-looking womble. E2 is flapping a tea-towel around in self-defence. “I don’t like this thing any more,” she says in a hurt voice. “It attacked me.”

“His name is Joel,” says Fisherboy, proudly.

“Ohmigosh here’s a freakin’ centipede under the chair, dude!” exclaims Dirk, dropping to his knees. The unfortunate “centipede” (approx. 1cm) is lifted and placed in front of Joel, who completely ignores it. “Eat the centipede, man!” says Dirk, encouragingly.

“He’ll like this song,” says Jay, fiddling with the CD player. He selects a cheerful, summery track and looks expectantly at the hedgehog.

“Oh!” yelps E2 excitedly from behind the laptop (“Hedgehog Facts” – Google). “He eats mushrooms! We have mushrooms!” She runs from the room and returns with a large mushroom, breaking it into pieces and placing them in front of the womble. It shows complete indifference.

We watch the hedgehog.

The hedgehog sits on the rug.

“He smells bad,” observes Jay.

“They also eat small birds,” interjects E2, helpfully. “And frogs.”

“Let’s give it a frog and see what it does!” suggests Fisherboy, interestedly. I protest strongly, my feelings about frogs having recently become rather sensitive and protective. The matter is dropped.

Joel ambles towards Dirk, who lifts him in rubber-gloved hands and turns him around again. He has a small piece of mushroom on the end of one of his spikes.

Jay selects a different CD in the hope that it will be more acceptable to the hedgehog.

We watch the hedgehog.

The hedgehog sits on the rug.

“How to clean your hedgehog,” says E2, after a long pause. “One: sprinkle water over his back. Two: Using a toothbrush…”

I leave. Harry Potter is much more realistic than next door.

Filed under: animal cruelty, boys, confusion, conversations, friends, frogs, Harry Potter, hedgehogs, sheer silliness, weird | 5 Comments »

Frog Blog

Posted on July 19, 2007 by Hails

Boys are weird. They are weird, and mean, and weird some more.

I sat through a full dialogue tonight on the topic of blowing up frogs. That’s not a euphemism for some kind of racist attack using explosives, no no! They were discussing, with great gusto, the best method of inflating little innocent green creatures using a drinking straw.

When I interceded on behalf of the frogs, with sheer horror and genuine distress, they laughed heartily and told me “frogs don’t feel pain”. Of course they do, I insisted. A totally ridiculous debate ensued, resulting in an intense Google search (“do frogs feel pain?” – this is how I have spent a precious evening of my holidays!!), and I found enough scientific waffle to conclude that the innocent, tortured amphibians do indeed feel pain.

Well, you would, wouldn’t you, if someone put a straw into your mouth, sealed it shut with tape, and proceeded to quite literally blow you up?

I am outraged on behalf of the frogs. If I believed in karma and/or reincarnation, I’d be staking all my hopes on those boys coming back as frogs… and me as a mean boy with a packet of drinking straws.

Filed under: animal cruelty, boys, conversations, death, frogs, pain, sheer silliness, weird | 14 Comments »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.