The writing’s on the wall

Posted on October 29, 2008 by Hails

I’m terrible at keeping a photographic account of my travels, to the annoyance of friends who keep requesting pictures. Dutifully, I’ve snapped as many shots as I could remember to of famous landmarks, impresssive buildings, cute little cobbled streets and so on, but it seems like a chore to me. I’m not a natural photographer, and normal touristy photographs tend to bore me.

Then again, it would also bore me to have to write normal touristy descriptions of the places I visit. I like to write about the little details, the amusing conversations, the silly moments, the misunderstandings, the unusual sightings… which probably explains why the only things I really like photographing are the things that would be of least importance in a proper travel photo journal.

“SALE – 100 CHILDREN: 2 for 100″

Mostly, I like to take pictures of things that appeal to my sense of humour and my love for the obscure. And throughout my travels, nothing has kept me more entertained than the wonderful variety of signs – both official and unofficial – in each town and city. There are hundreds of these, if you have sufficient appreciation for this type of humour. Like this sign outside a shop in Stockholm, for example.

But much as I love to giggle in a superior manner at shops offering special deals on the purchase of infants, and menu errors resulting in the tempting option of Fried Unions with one’s steak, I find that the very best of this genre is signage of the less official variety: that is to say, graffiti.

Graffiti in Europe is brilliant for its utter lack of sense or purpose. I always get a little thrill of anticipation as I approach another wall with a promising scribble in the corner.

From the high intelligence of graffiti artists in Rotterdam…

Science lesson at the train station

…to a simple chalk drawing on a bridge to the beach at Lake Balaton, Hungary…

"THE CROW"

"THE CROW"

…there’s always something to keep me amused. I have to say, though, that as with most things, Tallinn is once again the clear winner for me.  And there’s not even a need for me to write any more on this: I merely need to show you the examples. And so, my friends, I give you… The Writing On Tallinn’s Walls.

“DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL!!!”
"BITCH! MAKE ME A SANDWITCH!!!"

"BITCH! MAKE ME A SANDWITCH!!!"

Website on a wall

Website on a wall

This is probably symbolic... I don't get it, but I like that it's on a wall for no reason!

This is probably symbolic...

And my own personal favourite to date, the ramblings of a genuinely happy, contented, and utterly loopy graffiti artist who just wants to make the world a better place:

"IT'S BETTER BIRD IN HAND, THAN ALL OF THEM FLYING"

"IT'S BETTER BIRD IN HAND, THAN ALL OF THEM FLYING"

Well said, my friends. Well said.

Filed under: graffiti, humour, photos, travel, weird | 1 Comment »

The Guli Guli Church

Posted on September 9, 2008 by Hails

On Saturday I took a trip to Haarlem with Tobias and Claudia, my Noordwijk dorm friends.

What a gorgeous place. It’s like stepping back in time! I said in wonder, as we walked past canals and through the old streets lined with thatched cottages and majestic churches. We found ourselves inside the most beautiful church I’ve ever seen, where the lady at the entrance told us that we were welcome to come back for a special service with the choir later on.

I’ve never experienced a church service quite like it. A large part of this is probably due to the fact that it was in Dutch and therefore made no sense whatsoever to me. But it was so much fun! We found ourselves laughing along with the rest of the congregation, not understanding the jokes but genuinely appreciating the humorous tone and warm expressions.

The church was absolutely enormous, so the sound of the four part choral harmony was a treat for the ears as the voices soared and mingled to fill every inch of the building. Abba, Vader was particularly moving. I closed my eyes and let the voices wash over me in the familiar tune; opening them again, I realised that my companions were doing the same thing. The serious pieces were followed by a bouncy rendition of Jacob’s Ladder (in English, so we could sing along with less confusion than during the opening hymn – although I must say that the three of us gave that a fairly admirable attempt, too!), towards the end of which a few choir members started spontaneously clapping. Before long, everyone was doing the same. There was swaying and dancing, smiling and clapping. You couldn’t help but smile and clap along.

The pièce de résistance, however, was the rather bizarre finale:

I have no idea why. Even more amusing was the fact that it was kind of like “rounds”, with the choir breaking into A Ram Sam Sam* as the rest of us sang Pease Pudding. It did not fit at all with the rest of the songs, and yet it blended perfectly into the fun-filled atmosphere. We loved it!

Leaving the church, Claudia and I happily hummed Jacob’s Ladder. An elderly bearded man in a suit was walking behind us, and he interrupted us when we got out on to the street. Excuse me, he asked politely and seriously, you did see the choir? We nodded. And, he continued in earnest tones, may I ask did you like?

Oh, yes, we chorused happily, it was fantastic!

The old man smiled in delight. Then I am happy! he said proudly. He gave us a gracious little bow, and walked away looking pleased, singing softly to himself.

* I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I hear “A ram sam sam, a ram sam sam, guli guli guli guli guli ram sam sam” my brain automatically launches into an immediate “McDonald’s, McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and the Pizza Hut!”. Which only made things even stranger, really…

Filed under: church, culture, day trip, foreign languages, friends, fun, Holland, humour, laughter, lyrics, singing, songs, strange | Leave a Comment »

Oh, boy!

Posted on August 17, 2008 by Hails

I’ve seen so many statues and monuments now that I was getting a little bored with them, to be perfectly frank.

My enthusiasm was rekindled yesterday, however, during a visit to Brussels. I’d heard about this statue; I’d read about it; nothing, however, could have prepared me for the memorable (and slightly surreal) experience of seeing it for myself. It is a very famous tourist attraction in Brussels – and indeed, when I wandered down Rue de l’Etuve, hoping that I hadn’t missed it, it was the sight of a large crowd of tourists jostling for photographs that told me that I was in the right place. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Manneken Pis.

In case it’s not self-evident, that’s Flemish for “Little Man Peeing”. You wouldn’t think that there’s much more to be said about it, would you?

This tiny bronze statue is something of a Belgian celebrity. Nobody seems to know why he’s there, but they’ve had great fun making up so many stories and legends about his origin that it’s now completely impossible to know which one (if any) is true. The most official one seems to be that, in 1142, the troops of the two-year-old Lord Godfrey III of Leuven placed him in a basket and hung him from a tree as a means of encouraging morale. The baby lord peed on the enemy troops below, and the statue is a memorial to the grand victory that followed.

The story I prefer, however, is the one about a rich man whose son went missing. Heartbroken, the wealthy merchant organised a huge search party and vowed that if he ever got his son back, he would celebrate by making a little sculpture of the boy doing whatever he was doing at the moment he was found. A neighbour found the child cheerfully peeing in a garden… and so Manneken Pis was created.

I was very amused by the constant crowd of tourists that surrounded it, and even felt sorry for these sad individuals, until I realised that I was one of them.

There’s a lot of hype surrounding the statue, for all the size of it. It’s usually dressed in costumes, donated by celebrities and organisations, and changed at special ceremonies. Honestly. I accidentally wandered into one of these grand ceremonies as I was taking in the atmosphere at the Grand Place, and it was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. There were costumes… banners… a full, marching brass band… and a replica of the statue, on a mobile podium, randomly “peeing” over the delighted and squealing crowd.

It was my favourite part of my visit to Brussels. I’m not even being sarcastic or condescending. I was tempted to buy a small, chocolate Manneken Pis as a souvenir, but I don’t know that I could have brought myself to eat him.

Filed under: Belgium, Brussels, chocolate, culture, day trip, fun, humour, Manneken Pis, peeing, statues, tourists | 4 Comments »

Go on, go on, go on…

Posted on June 24, 2008 by Hails

Following my Father Jack reference in yesterday’s post, I’ve been asked by a confused Non-Irish to explain what I meant. I could just tell you to watch this short clip…

…but it probably still wouldn’t make an awful lot of sense, right? And so it falls to me to represent my people and tell the rest of the world about Father Ted. I can’t really explain why it’s funny, but it is. Three priests living on a remote island: Father Dougal (simple-minded and completely incapable), Father Jack (retired – an alcoholic who rarely says more than Feck! Girls! Drink!) and Father Ted (doomed to live on the island with the other two thanks to some dubious financial incidents in his past). Their housekeeper, Mrs. Doyle, loves tea and wants everbody else to love tea, too.

That’s about it really.

The show was a a clever mix of silly plots, repeated catchphrases and likeable characters, and I don’t know anyone who didn’t love it. I’ve spent many happy evenings watching back-to-back episodes with friends. And while I can’t exactly do that with you, dear readers, I can share some favourite moments with you via the magical medium that is t’internet.

I particularly like this scene, where Mrs. Doyle (famed for her go on, go on, go on… ye will, ye will, ye will insistence that people have ‘a wee cup of tea’) tries to persuade Ted to try some cake.

Who could forget the priests’ infamous attempt to write a song for Eurovision? Another classic clip!

This one, however, is probably my ultimate favourite. Father Jack has sadly passed away due to a mix-up between his brandy and a bottle of floor polish, and – who would’ve believed it? – it turns out that he had a lot of money stashed away, which he has left to Ted and Dougal. There’s a catch, of course. Jack had a terrible fear of being buried alive, so if the other two want the money, they’re going to have to spend the night by Jack’s coffin. Erk. They do it – and in my favourite ever Father Ted moment, Ted gives a beautiful reading from James Joyce’s The Dead…

I’ve a horrible feeling that I may have lost some of my readers now. The Irish sense of humour is like no other. However, I am taking some confidence from the fact that I made Dirk watch the show once, and I think he got it… although it was difficult to tell if he was just laughing in a frightened “I really don’t understand you people” kind of way.

So what do you think? Father Ted: Love it or hate it?

Filed under: confusion, Father Ted, friends, fun, humour, Ireland, laughter | 5 Comments »

I may be shooting myself in the foot, but…

Posted on June 10, 2008 by Hails

Several months ago I wrote a post expressing my appreciation of Australian newspaper Northern Territory News. To my horror and delight (it was an odd feeling), the staff of said newspaper descended upon Coffee Helps. Fortunately, they seemed to take the whole thing very well, and I received a funny and appreciative comment from one Jimmy D. Less happy was Celebrity Dragon, a former member of staff who left a comment some time later voicing his/her extreme displeasure at my existence.

I felt a little sad about this. I love the Northern Territory News. I really do. After a commenter informed me that they were giving away a free postcard of the infamous crocodile photograph, I made certain that my Australia-travelling friend would be getting his hands on one for me. I now have it in my possession; it is my pride and joy. I also have a few issues of the newspaper itself, which I have read carefully several times over and stored safely with my luggage. My post about the Northern Territory News was one of appreciation, not deprecation. Were I to be offered the opportunity to write for a publication like this, I would jump at the chance. I’m being completely serious. I love it.

This was all really one big giant disclaimer, because I’m now about to write about the Northern Territory News and its latest Top Story. I can’t resist it, and so I just wanted it to be clear, for the benefit of those who hate me (and apparently my clothes), that I’m a fan, not a critic. Sometimes, it seems, the lines get blurred, and for that I apologise.

Anyway. Toad survives 40 minutes in dog’s stomach says today’s headline. Which is mildly amusing on its own, but nothing compared with the story itself. Again, and at the risk of unjustly being called patronising or condescending, I can only urge you to read this article for yourself, because I simply cannot do it justice. Basically, dog is eating leftover pies. Dog accidentally eats cane toad, thinking it is pie. Owner panics and takes dog to vet. Vet makes dog sick. Dog eventually vomits up toad. Toad is adopted by animal hospital, and christened Spew.

You see? I can’t make it entertaining. NT News can, and do. By the time I finished the article and spotted the slightly disgusting photograph of the ‘super toad’, I was helpless with laughter. “NOT A PIE:” says the caption, “the regurgitated toad, which appears to have suffered no ill effects.”

Thank you, NT News, for making the world a funnier place.

Filed under: Australia, crocodiles, decisions, dogs, genuine appreciation of the Northern Territory News, humour, journalism, laughter, worry, writing | 2 Comments »

Fluffy Backfire

Posted on May 2, 2008 by Hails

When MonkeyMrs sent me a text tonight, inviting me round to theirs tomorrow night, it was immediately followed by a typically odd message from Billy, who was apparently with her at the time.

I dare you to send MonkeyMrs a psychotic reply it said, for no obvious reason. I shrugged, and replied to MonkeyMrs. I love my lips…. usta! said my reply. I continued with my dinner preparations, receiving an appreciative text from Billy, who, it seems, had been “thinking more ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ psychotic” but enjoyed my response nonetheless. She said I showed potential. I was pleased.

Then I got another text from Billy, which caused me to laugh so hard I started to choke, then cry (a knock-on effect of the choking), and burn my dinner in the process. MonkeyMrs just accidentally sent MonkeyMan a message saying ‘I ate Billy for tea’. You’ve been outdone – and she hadn’t even been dared!

I love it when people are thoughtful enough to share these little moments with me. Of course, it’s even better when they display them online for all the world to see, as MonkeyMrs has been known to do. One of my favourite amusing moments ever (and one which still makes me giggle out loud when I think about it) was when everyone around here started catching on to Facebook applications like Superpoke. You can read about all the interactions in the Superpoke feeds: Hails has hugged MonkeyMrs. Billy has hi-fived McBouncy. Then came the rather brilliant sheep-throwing feature. It appealed to my sense of humour to go online and see something like Bex has thrown a sheep at Hails. For at least a week, everyone just happily threw sheep at each other all day and all night, because it’s not often you get the chance to do that, unless you’re from Cullybackey or Broughshane, perhaps.

MonkeyMrs, struggling to keep up with all these new-fangled activities (i.e. throwing sheep at one’s friends), tried her utmost to join in the fun. Sadly, she failed to get it quite right, and so it was that I was treated to one of my favourite lines of all time when looking at the feed on her profile…

MonkeyMrs has thrown a sheep at herself.

Poor MonkeyMrs. I couldn’t tell anyone about it without giggling hysterically at the mental image, and for a long time she endured numerous immature jokes every time anyone saw a sheep. It’s also become a classic and generally approved method for stopping me in my tracks if I’m being gloomy or in the middle of a full-on rant about something. Many friends will simply say “MonkeyMrs has thrown a sheep at herself” and I’ll be totally incapable of doing anything other than laughing helplessly.

But we’re all quite normal once you get to know us…

Filed under: confusion, conversations, friends, fun, humour, laughter, memories, Mishaps, sheep, sheer silliness, weird | 2 Comments »

I saw three angles, of that I’m sure…

Posted on April 3, 2008 by Hails

I was sent this yesterday, by someone who clearly understands my love for and appreciation of fine lyrics, given that he once directed me to a Veggie Tales clip involving a sad cebu (“boo hoo moo moo”) after my post about The Hairbrush Song.

This, though… this is truly the stuff that dreams are made of. Triangular dreams, no less. 

 It’s the little things in life.  

Filed under: humour, James Blunt, Sesame Street, sheer silliness, singing, songs, triangular dreams, weird | 7 Comments »

6 Pigs on a Steam Train

Posted on March 30, 2008 by Hails

Mum has purchased a Fireside Quiz.

It’s one of those numbers/letters ones (e.g. 49 N in TNL = 49 Numbers in The National Lottery), and after Sunday dinner today it provided us with entertainment of the “this family really isn’t normal, is it?” variety.

“240 Old People in a Picnic,” said The Sister, thoughtfully. “What about 21 D in a DR?”

“21 Dogs in a Dog Run,” I suggested. Mum looked quite irritated. “You’re not taking it seriously,” she complained, tapping her pen on her scrap paper and peering over her glasses at us as we sniggered in a very juvenile manner. “Course we are,” said Dad comfortingly, snatching the quiz sheet from The Sister. “Let me see that… 2 P on a B… hmm.”

“2 People on a Bike?” offered The Sister, trying to be helpful. Dad rolled his eyes. “Wait!” he exclaimed.  “To Pee… on a… Bridge!”

Disgusted, Mum tried to get the quiz sheet back. “If you’re not going to do it properly…” she said haughtily.

“2 Pigs on a Blanket!” I shouted excitedly. The Sister nodded enthusiastically, and The Parents looked suspiciously at us. “What?” I asked indignantly, “that’s a real thing!”. Dad stared accusingly at me. “Cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon,” said The Sister, defending me. “Like the ones we had with dinner.” Mum didn’t know whether or not to believe us. “Well,” she said dubiously, “why are there only two?”

“We ate them,” chorused Sister and I, happily.

“3 C of TL,” said Dad, studiously ignoring us. “3 Cans of… Tinned Lettuce,” replied The Sister.

 Silence descended upon the group as we came close to completing the quiz. “What else has dots, other than dice?” asked Mum, deep in thought.  “Hankerchief! Bikini!” I cried, getting slightly carried away, perhaps on a high from my “6 Sides on a Rubik’s Cube” stroke of genius.

“Err… that’s not quite what I meant,” said Mum, looking utterly bemused. “Are you just going to start naming every possible item of clothing that may or may not have spots in the design?”

Sister was in fits. Rather embarrassed, I tried to explain my thinking. “Well, but, you know – big spotty hankerchief… and the Timmy Mallett song…”

Dad returned from the bathroom to find The Sister and I performing an enthusiastic version of Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, with actions, in the middle of the living room.

“2 Total Lunatics in the House,” he grunted despairingly, turning to go outside for a smoke instead.

Filed under: conversations, family, fun, humour, laughter, mental health, parents, quiz, sheer silliness, Timmy Mallett, weekend, weird | 1 Comment »

Upside-down news

Posted on March 8, 2008 by Hails

I have recently, for reasons best known to myself, been spending a lot of time reading Northern Territory News – an Australian newspaper that has surprisingly and rapidly become very dear to my heart for its hard-hitting journalism and challenging articles.

 The breaking news story that first aroused my interest was a front page headline. CROC ATTACK SURVIVOR KILLED BY SNAKE, it announced, rather brilliantly. (It was backed up by the most splendid sub-headline, too – Luck runs out for big saltie’s victim. I couldn’t make it up.) I do not feel that I can do justice to the stories on my humble blog, so I heartily recommend that you follow the links and read them for yourselves. It made my world a brighter place when I visited the newspaper’s site the following day to find the headline G’DAY, BAIT!, accompanying a picture of a fairly startled fisherman on his boat, shying away from a large crocodile that was flying through the air towards him with its mouth open*. Again, please read the story. It will improve your quality of life. You will also learn many things about crocodiles from these articles, such as, for example, the fact that they do not like being provoked by smart-ass tourists, and can actually be quite aggressive in this type of situation. Also, I was interested to note that shouting “Go away!” at a croc will not actually prevent an attack.

By midweek, I had developed a mild addiction to Northern Territory News. Imagine my delight, therefore, when I logged on to see Thusday’s headline: PLOT TO BLOW UP SERVO FOILED BY MONKEY THIEF. This is, I feel, the sort of newspaper that dreams are made of. Imagine, for a moment, being a writer paid to write this type of thing on a daily basis.

It’s like the Ballymena Guardian only with crocodiles and monkey thieves instead of oil burner thefts and cannabis raids.

* For some reason, they have since replaced this with a lifeless photograph of said crocodile floating tamely along in the water, moments before the horrific and completely deserved attack. I can only assume that the original image proved to be too distressing for anyone who knows someone in the Northern Territory and is worried about the possiblity of them falling victim to an angry croc…

Filed under: Australia, crocodiles, Fear, heroic monkey thieves, humour, journalism, Mishaps, news, newspaper | 9 Comments »

Ladies Who Laugh

Posted on February 16, 2008 by Hails

I got one of my giggling fits today. You know the ones where something really tickles you and you’re embarrassed because it really wasn’t that funny yet you can’t stop laughing? Worse, when the conversation moves on to something serious, and you replay the remark in your head and burst out laughing when everyone’s discussing a tragic death or something?

I get those a lot. A memorable one occurred at work once, when He Who Brings The Coffee approached the desk where Kate and I were sitting and asked if I had a pencil sharpener. “Yes, I do!” I said brightly, opening the drawer and producing a child’s sharpener, “And look! It’s shaped like a whale!”. I grinned happily at him, and he stared at me with such a look of wonder that I burst out laughing. Also amused, Kate began to laugh as well. He Who Brings The Coffee sat down with the whale and just gazed at us as we howled with totally unnecessary laughter, until eventually he began to crack and gave a small snigger. Obviously this made things worse, and when a delivery driver came in and looked quite frightened at the sight of us, the moment became etched upon my memory. It still makes me burst out laughing when I think about it. The fact that it’s not remotely funny is apparently unimportant.

Anyway, a similar thing happened at Granny’s today, when Sister and I were having coffee with Granny and Great Aunt R. The conversation was understandably quite surreal, and Sister and I had already coped admirably with several batty comments (avoiding eye contact with each other is always crucial at these moments). But then Granny looked out the window at her neighbour trying to reverse his car past her own, which was parked in an extremely haphazard manner, half-on-half-off the kerb. “Oh, oh, he cannae dae that!” she exclaimed in alarm, “My hind end’s hangin’ out!”

I have no words. I laughed on and off for the rest of the afternoon at that.

Granny is great, though. Always very entertaining. When Great Aunt R asked how Sister and I were getting on living together, we said we’d had no problems so far. “I have my life and she has hers, and we just happen to be in the same house.” I added. Granny nodded.

 ”Just like me and your Granda,” she concluded seriously.

Filed under: boss, conversations, family, granny, humour, laughter | 3 Comments »

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