There was a huge bug on the kitchen floor last night.
Big, black, nasty, crawly thing wearing some sort of armour. I thought it might be a cockroach, but I’m not very well educated as far as bugs go, being as I tend to run away quite quickly when I see one, and therefore don’t spend an awful lot of time observing them. Anyway, this was the Biggest Bug I Have Ever Seen. I seem to have a (completely undeserved) reputation as someone who likes to exaggerate, so I felt compelled to fetch my camera and take a photo of the monster bug so that people would believe me when I told them that it was the size of a small rodent.
Unfortunately, the thing kept leaping about an inch into the air and buzzing loudly at me just as I was about to take the picture. As a result, I now have about six blurry shots of the walls and ceiling, taken accidentally as I squealed and leapt back in fright. Getting more and more jumpy each time, I decided to give up on the photograph and come up with some sort of escape plan before the monster bug leapt on to my throat and killed me by sinking its fangs into my jugular. Just as I was standing up, the monster bug took flight most unexpectedly. I had presumed it to be a crawly thing, not a flying crawly thing.
I screamed the place down, backing away and flapping my arms around. It was at this point that I discovered monster bug #2 in my hair. My screams became howls as I leapt about the kitchen, trying to extract said monster bug from where it was trapped and struggling in the Mad Hair, and simultaneously trying to avoid angry and murderous monster bug #1, which was buzzing loudly around my head.
Eventually I killed both of them, plus an accomplice that I found lurking in the doorway, and returned nervously to the living room. That’s when the buzzing started. The loudest buzzing I have ever heard. This bug was quite possibly the size of a very large rodent. I spent some time sneaking stealthily around the house with my Bug Gun, jumping and squealing at every noise, with the dog following me around and looking a little confused as to whether I was playing a new game or just losing my mind.
I had to go to bed in the end. Shaking out all the sheets first, of course, lest there be a monster bug crawling through them and waiting to devour me in my sleep. Closing the door to keep out the invasion. Whimpering quietly in the darkness.
And so as you can imagine it was utterly terrifying, this morning, to be awakened by buzzing so loud that it had to belong to a monster bug three times the size of the dog. Only after much fear and trembling under the sheets did I emerge, apply reasoning, and recognise the sound as that of a lawnmower. Sure enough, I peeped outside and saw (someone who looked remarkably like) Keanu Reeves mowing the lawn. Shirtless.
That’ll be my gardener, then. I feel safe with Keanu Reeves in the garden. I am confident that he will protect me from the monster bugs.