Kissing on a park bench

I didn’t mention much about my Paris trip, mainly because it was a bit of a whirlwind visit – arrive, see as many tourist attractions as possible, attend book signing, visit a blogfriend, leave.

Having now had time to catch my breath and reflect, I have to say this: I love Paris.

Extreme temperatures aside, my only complaint is that I just didn’t have enough time there. My first couchsurfing experience was a positive one – I stayed with a couple my age, who have a beautiful apartment with gorgeous city views from their balcony. My hostess doubled up as my tour guide, and I saw a lot of things I wouldn’t have found on my own.

As for the Petite Anglaise event – wow! The realisation that Petite is actually an ordinary girl like me, who, bored in her job, discovered blogging… that was quite an eye-opener for me, with my tendency to get all star-struck and put people up on pedestals far above my head. I sat there, listening to her reading from her first book, and for the first time found myself thinking: maybe I could do it too! Maybe…

The next night, I went for (a truly delicious) dinner at Croque-Camille‘s. Naturally, I left far too early, clutching her step-by-step directions to her apartment in one sweaty hand, my half-litre of water in the other, completely prepared to get lost and dehydrated yet again. To my amazement, it didn’t happen. In fact, I got there with No Trouble Whatsoever. What’s going on? Am I growing a few strands of Common Sense in my head?

Anyway, ludicrously early for dinner, I sat down in a little park area to relax a bit and escape the heat. Three winos on a bench opposite me tried to harrass me and I stood (sat) firm, using my well-practised “I’m sorry, I don’t speak a word of French and have no idea what you’re saying” technique. Then, however, an old dude walking past happened to catch my eye. He smiled at me, and I made the grave mistake of smiling poitely back at him.

Old Dude descended upon me with the joyful grin of a long-lost friend. Ah, my little girlfriend! he exclaimed, to my alarm, doing a dramatic kiss-kiss of my cheeks. He babbled something else as I tried to shrink back in my seat, and I shrugged helplessly. Old French people are much more difficult to understand than the rest. The words are indistinguishable from each other, and to the untrained ear it just sounds like one long, gravelly growl. He finished and looked questioningly at me, and, still being polite, I explained that I didn’t really understand what he was saying. He wanted to know where I was from, and being Irish, it seemed, made me completely irresistable to him. I received more cheek kisses and one on the hand, and was incapable of doing anything about it, since I was sitting and he was standing and looming over me. So full of joy and love was his smile that to stand up and run away would have been downright heartless, leaving me riddled with guilt.

Did I want to go for a drink with him, he wondered. Erm, no. I didn’t. Maybe a coffee? Dinner? Anything of my choosing! Slightly freaked out, now, I dodged another kiss and explained that I was going to a friend’s house for dinner. Actually, I didn’t – the fear that he might decide to join me prevented me from doing this. Instead, I told him that I was waiting for someone. Undeterred, he asked if I might like to meet him later on for said drink. Erm, again, no. I am waiting for my boyfriend, I lied convincingly. Finally, he retreated, and I began to relax amidst a flow of “goodbye, so lovely to see you, take care!” type of remarks.

He caught me completely off-guard with his sudden return and kiss on the lips. I was speechless (other than an involuntary mmmmfff!), and a little embarrassed when he finally walked away and left me pretending not to notice the curious stares of the people on benches around me.

Who says the people of Paris aren’t friendly?

Saying ‘allo, ‘allo

I’m always pleased when I find out that my preconceived notions about something are true.

This is why, for example, I sat with a big grin on my face when I arrived at Part-Dieu station from Lyon airport, having found myself surrounded by a buzzing crowd of busy people, with two little old men busking in the middle of it all. One of them was playing the accordian, the other had a violin. It was just so… French. Kind of like ‘Allo, ‘Allo, only without the silly accents and ridiculous storylines. I got myself a drink from a nearby vendor, and just sat on a wall in the station square, taking everything in, enjoying the sunshine, and listening to the general Frenchness of it all.

Imagine my joy, then, when I observed people doing the cheek-kissing thing for the first time.

It makes me smile every time I see it. The first was when I was walking along the street behind a sweet little old lady. A family member had been waiting for her, and got out of his car to greet her and take her bags as they exhanged bonjours. I had to stop and wait as they blocked my path, but I didn’t mind. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. It was sweet. You’d be hard pushed to see a cool-looking UK youth kissing his granny in the street.

Opposite the apartment where I’m staying is a bar/café, and it seems to be a popular place for friends to meet for lunch, coffee or drinks. They sit outside under the shade of a parasol, and the sound of the conversations and laughter constantly floats up and in through my open windows. It is also a very good case study in the field of cheek kissing, as there seems to be some kind of social rule stating that you must greet a newcomer with cheek kisses. I think I’ve worked out that when it’s family or a very special loved one, four kisses are required – left, right, left, right. In a standard, friend or casual acquaintance type of scenario, one on each cheek seems to be the norm.

It’s amusing to observe just how much time people spend simply greeting each other. If two people are sitting at a table, and one more arrives, this necessitates four kisses. If three more then arrive, that means eighteen kisses. And if, in the middle of that, you’ve got very close friends and/or relatives, you’ll have to double the number of kisses between certain individuals. The whole set-up would make me incredibly nervous, being the worrier that I am, i.e. what if I kiss someone too many times and it means I’m accidentally declaring my undying love? Worse, in front of their significant other? Or worse yet, what if I don’t kiss someone enough times and it’s taken as a horrible, unforgivable insult?

Fortunately none of my encounters here have required kissing, and so I am free to look out of my window at the bar across the street and just watch others kissing. That sounds a bit disturbing, actually, now that I see it written down. It’s all perfectly innocent. My main source of amusement has been watching these social interactions at the bar and imagining how different they would be in the UK.Think about it: a group of people are sitting at a table, and more friends join them.

France: Everything stops at this point as the important business of saying hello is taken care of. Everyone has to pick someone to kiss first, and somehow keep track of who has been kissed, who remains to be kissed, and who they actually arrived with and therefore don’t need to kiss. The onus is generally on those arriving – those already there are allowed to remain sitting, while newcomers must visit all sides of the table, often stepping over chairs and squeezing past strangers, reaching down to kiss the seated party. Unless, of course, the newcomer is a significant female and the seated person is male, in which case it would be bad form to remain seated: the arrival of wives, girlfriends, mothers and grannies seems to require husbands, boyfriends, sons and grandsons to get up and approach for kisses. Only when all appropriate kisses been issued can everyone sit down and continue with a conversation.

UK: Brief pause as everyone looks up to see newcomers. Alright? say the newcomers, sitting down. How are you? says everyone else. Conversation continues.

It’s certainly a lot easier in the UK. But the French way does look so much more fun, n’est-ce pas?!

The Plan

“Alright Hails, doll?” hollers B, who is sitting outside the Co-Op smoking a cigarette as she waits for her friend to come back out. I walk over to say hello, with my packet of mince (price reduced due to small hole in packaging) and solitary onion. B peers into my bag. “Dinner for one, pet?” she asks sadly. I nod, feeling slightly pitiful but reminding myself that B has 8 children and that I’d probably choose eating alone over cooking for 10 people every night.

“No hot dates coming up?” she presses on. I shake my head, feeling increasingly depressed and tempted to run back into the shop for a family-sized bar of Dairy Milk.

“I don’t date,” I gently remind her, “as I am actually invisible to men.”

B advises me to go to the local pub some night, get bladdered and snog a random stranger just to get it out of my system. I politely decline, but thank her for her concern. “It would be nice to get a wee Christmas kiss, though…” I muse wistfully, almost shyly. “Not that there’s any chance of that ever happening.”

B snorts in disgust. “How are you ever going to get anywhere with that attitude, doll?” she asks impatiently. “You have to be on the look-out. You have to seize the moment. You have to make the most of the festive season. You have to be prepared, Hails! Here, look…” she proceeds to fumble in her pocket, and produces a very small piece of mistletoe. I gaze silently at it. “What,” I ask eventually, “is that?”

“Duh,” says B, “travel-sized mistletoe. Carry it around in your pocket. You never know who you might meet. You can’t be wasting opportunities in your situation.” I dubiously accept the mistletoe. “Err… so I see a guy I fancy, whip out my travel mistletoe and just… err…”

“‘Tis the season!” says B, cheerfully.

I am so glad to have found the answer at long last. It is clearly foolproof! I expect that I will be in a serious relationship before very much longer.

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