I have a lettuce, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Since recent posts seem to have involved supermarkets and customer service, I thought that this would be as good a time as any to tell you my tale about the time I was attacked with a lettuce by an angry Chinese woman. Doesn’t everyone have a story like this to tell?

When I was a student in Glasgow, I had a part time job at the Sainsbury’s Local on Sauchiehall Street. I didn’t mind it – the shop was always busy and so the time generally flew past. However, the one thing I hated was the appearance of the Girl With The Gun at the end of the day. It sent shivers down my spine to watch her walking around the shop zapping perishable goods with bright orange “reduced” stickers.

It was at this point, you see, that two distinct groups of people invariably emerged from wherever they’d been lurking. They were the old women (the kind with very hairy chins and trembling hands, who pay for everything in copper coins) and the middle-aged Chinese women. They all made straight for the sea of orange stickers, and began filling their baskets. Before you knew it, you had a queue the length of the shop, just before the end of your shift, full of women with overflowing baskets of reduced items. It made my heart sink every time one of those baskets appeared at my till, because it took a painfully long time to peel the sticker off each item, enter the reduction code, scan the item, type in the new price and then repeat the process at least a dozen times, while the next customer – generally a suit ‘n’ tie type of businessman only just getting home from work – waited impatiently with his solitary pint of milk or microwave meal for one, glaring at you in annoyance. In fact, I frequently tried to either rush through or draw out a particular transaction in order to avoid being the unfortunate cashier who got the next basket of orange stickers.

With the old ladies, it was an assortment of bread, milk, cheese, ham and those sorts of basic groceries. With the Chinese women, quite inexplicably, it was always vegetables; and usually an entire basket of identical vegetables. I never quite understood it – and it was the most annoying one of all, because you couldn’t scan in multiples of reduced items. They had to be done individually, one sodding carrot at a time, even if there were twenty all at the same price.

Anyway, late one Friday night, a basket of orange-stickered Romaine lettuces presented itself at my till. Wearily, I went through the peeling, typing and scanning process, packed the customer’s bag, smiled politely, took payment, gave change, and went on to the next customer. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I watched the lettuce woman inspecting her receipt. The orange sticker people were always the worst. They went through the receipt with frightening intensity, and were almost gleeful if they found a mistake. Not this woman, however. She was utterly furious. Slightly alarmed, I paused in my dealing with the milk-and-microwave-meal man to observe her approaching my till with all the gentleness of a raging bull.

She barely spoke a word of English, but from her raised voice and hand waving and brandishing of the receipt I managed to deduce that I had missed one of the orange stickers and charged her 20p more than I should have. It was an easy (and common) enough mistake, and I apologised and asked her to wait as I finished with my customer. This was not the right thing to do. Incensed, she removed the aforementioned lettuce from her bag and slammed it down in front of me, pounding the counter with her fist and shouting in a language that I had no hope of understanding. I tried to explain that I could not open the till to give her the 20p until I’d finished the current transaction; she, in return, screamed “Racist! Thief!” and tried to hit me over the head with the lettuce.

“Steady on, hen!” said my customer, looking nervously at her, as I panickily tried to open the till without properly completing the transaction. I was too flustered to think straight – everyone was staring, the sound of undesirable accusations filled the air, and an irate customer was trying to knock me out with a reduced vegetable. She flat-out refused to let me press any buttons on the till, and when she actually reached for me across the counter I hurriedly fumbled in my pocket, produced 20p of my own, and flung it down in front of her. She did not appear to want it, and continued to yell “Racist! Thief! Bad girl!” for all to hear. The duty manager, fetched by a customer who clearly feared for my life, appeared on the scene like a knight in shining armour, and I shakily explained the situation to the best of my ability (given that I didn’t really understand it myself). His attempts to calm the woman down failed completely, and in his polite but firm manner he asked the lettuce woman to step outside. By way of response, she attempted to slap me.

I want to assure you, dear reader, that I am not making any of this up. There exist people in the world who will wish to kill you for accidentally charging them an extra 20p for a lettuce. The manager hastily stepped between us and put his hand on lettuce woman’s arm to guide her towards the exit. “Racist!! Bad man!” screamed lettuce woman, pummelling him with her fists. I mean, honestly.

By the time he got rid of her, apologised to the customers, and gently escorted me outside to put a cigarette in my mouth, I was bright red and not sure whether to laugh or cry. The manager wore a similar expression when, at the end of my shift, he summoned me to his office and informed me that lettuce woman’s friend’s daughter had been on the phone to discuss a reported incident of racial discrimination. She was – of course – a lawyer specialising in that particular field. Thankfully she was also sane, and accepted the manager’s account of the incident with a laugh and an apology, but still. What an Utter Raving Lunatic.

As you can imagine, the sight of orange sticker baskets caused me a great deal more anxiety from then on…

Withdrawal. Again. (Or “In which I kindly, with the patience of a saint, refrain from exploding and injuring all the imbeciles that seem to surround me”)

Hey Hayley! screams the irritatingly enthusiastic message from Facebook. Now you can throw a spaghetti cat at your friends!

Isn’t that marvellous?

I have been up since the early hours, on train after bus after train and all but strip-searched at the airport by a possible witch (with PMS). I have been shaken around inside one of those fluroescent tin cans that Ryanair call planes, with my knees somewhere near my ears and my right ear so severely popped that no amount of swallowing is prompting a return to a normal level of hearing. I have only vaguely recovered from my food poisoning incident, and so the ridiculously-priced sandwich I attempted to eat earlier is now lurching around quite dangerously in my stomach. I have in my hand a ticket from Riga Airport to Riga Coach Station to Tallinn Coach Station – only it appears that there is no bus to Riga Coach Station, despite the fact that I have paid for it, and so now I must find a bus into the city and do all the ridiculous Excuse me, do you speak English? nonsense again. And probably pay more money, too. There is also a small child running up and down the airport lounge screaming blue murder, and his parents appear to be deaf or just defeated.

I may also need to mention that I have not had a cigarette since approximately 10pm last night, and I want to kill the small child, its parents, Facebook’s Superpoke team, Eurolines bus company, hotdog vendors worldwide, Michael O’Leary, and the Swedish airport shuttle driver who tried to draw it to the attention of the entire bus when I accidentally tried to pay him in Slovakian money, not really seeing the difference in the notes. I will not, of course, kill any of these people, because underneath it all I am actually a really nice person. Not quite Julie Andrews, but perhaps at least a little bit Marge Simpson.

And then I log into Facebook and see a new notification. Ah, I think gratefully, a little note or message from someone who loves me, is thinking about me, or just wants to say hello! But no. It is a message that proudly explains my new ability to throw spaghetti cats at my friends, as if it is something I have been longing for, and indeed something that will genuinely improve my life. I am disgusted with everything in general. I have just purchased a vodka at the bar. I do not care that I can’t afford it. It is the only way I am going to survive.

And it tastes crap without a cigarette. As does the world.

And so it begins…

Right.

Last night I went to bed feeling slightly woeful, and suffering from an intense headache that I’d had since mid-afternoon. I attributed my misery to the fact that I’d been letting some things annoy me, when, really, under the heading of “New year, new start”, I should have been letting these annoyances pass me by. Don’t pay any attention to them, don’t dwell on them, just do the water/rolling/duck’s back thing.

I came to this profound realisation at 2.45am, when I had spent around 2 hours having an imaginary conversation with an offending party in my head.

So, I made my decision, decided that today I would continue with my new laid-back, easy-going attitude to life and people, and got up feeling determined. Still had the headache (owing to the fact that I lay awake half the night having said imaginary conversations), but that was alright. That would go. Do not focus on the problem, I told myself, that just makes it bigger. I am so wise, I really am.

Hence, when I caught my nose stud on the towel after my shower, my immediate reaction was “Never mind. Things could be worse. No point focusing on a  trifling pain.”

Yeah, right, that’s what I thought.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!” I howled, clutching my nose as the now-ripped-out stud fell with a gentle tinkle into the bath. Blood filled the entire bathroom, and don’t dare accuse me of exaggerating or I may have to add you to my List. I leapt around in agony (knee-deep in blood) for a few moments, then realised that this was on the same level as having imaginary conversations in my head, as far as resolving problems goes. And so it was that I spent a large part of the morning disinfecting my nasal area and sticking a dart-like object through my nostril as blood ran down my fingers.

I returned to my bedroom, dressed, and discovered that the cat had peed on my bed.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” I howled once again.

“WHAT is going on?” yelled Sister.

“It PEED on my BED!!!” I screamed, almost beside myself with rage as I tore off the duvet cover and sheets.

“Miaow!” Kat had the cheek to say, requesting breakfast. I wheeled around and aimed my toe at her backside as she fled down the stairs. “Don’t you DARE START!” I yelled.

This is what happens, you see. This is what happens when you are determined to behave better. Parts of your body fall off and wild animals urinate in your sleeping quarters. “What’s the point in trying?” I asked myself darkly, as I shoved my bedding in the washing machine. I have also been sent an email informing me that payment has been taken off my card for something I didn’t actually buy, I am currently losing three games of Scrabulous, and now I’m late for work. Where I have to go and have conversations that will go absolutely nothing like the ones I had perfectly planned out in my head at 2.45am.

Have a good day.

No no no no no no NO.

In the same way as it’s not a good idea to blog while under the influence of alcohol, I’d say that it’s also unwise to blog when seething with anger. However, as my last post may have given the impression that I am passionless and devoid of strong feelings, I feel it might benefit my reputation to express a little raw emotion.

You see, I do care about some things. For the most part, stuff is just stuff, and I don’t get too caught up with material things. E2 commented the other night, following a tragic guitar-related accident, that I had a very casual attitude to ‘stuff’. “Can’t take it with me, no point getting too attached to it!” I replied cheerfully, knowing that this was exactly the right attitude to have and feeling a certain degree of smuganicity about my spot-on prioritites.

I do believe there’s some sort of correlation between pride and falls.

Yes, it seems that I do care about some material things after all. One of those things is Rio the Clio. Rio is my pride and joy, and I would not swap her for the biggest, flashiest Mercedes in the world. That is why I am ever so slightly distressed to find that while she was innocently waiting for me outside the Washbasin in Ahoghill tonight, some dishonest, careless, idiotic, downright ignorant, low-life ass crashed into her and then drove off into the night without so much as a note on the windscreen.

I want to swear repeatedly, but I’m really trying to keep this blog PG.

I mean, who does that?!!! Accidents happen, but you don’t just drive off and leave someone else to suffer the consequences. Rio the Clio has sustained the following injuries (from what I could see by the combined light of the streetlights and my phone): Front wing and passenger door cracked, dented and scored. Plastic strip that runs along bottom of door (probably has a name, but remember who’s writing this description – I don’t even know what you call the things that wipe rain off the windscreen) torn off. Sidelight off.

Life is one great big giant conspiracy sometimes, it really is. How on earth can I afford to fix the mess someone else has made of my car when I’m trying to save enough money to buy more heating oil? Selfish, ignorant, dishonest low-life. The insurance would cover it, but right now I can’t afford the insurance payments to go up either. Careless, disrespectful, arrogant idiot. So I have to drive around looking like I’ve crashed the car again. Which I haven’t, this time. I didn’t do anything wrong!! But everyone will look at Rio and judge my driving, which is of course excellent, and my poverty, which is now plain for all to see.

Woe is me and woe is Rio the Clio. I think I have to eat chocolate now. Goodnight to all, except the jackass who wrecked my car. I’m sure I will be full of good, proper Christian forgiveness tomorrow, but let me have my moment.

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