I have a lettuce, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Since recent posts seem to have involved supermarkets and customer service, I thought that this would be as good a time as any to tell you my tale about the time I was attacked with a lettuce by an angry Chinese woman. Doesn’t everyone have a story like this to tell?

When I was a student in Glasgow, I had a part time job at the Sainsbury’s Local on Sauchiehall Street. I didn’t mind it – the shop was always busy and so the time generally flew past. However, the one thing I hated was the appearance of the Girl With The Gun at the end of the day. It sent shivers down my spine to watch her walking around the shop zapping perishable goods with bright orange “reduced” stickers.

It was at this point, you see, that two distinct groups of people invariably emerged from wherever they’d been lurking. They were the old women (the kind with very hairy chins and trembling hands, who pay for everything in copper coins) and the middle-aged Chinese women. They all made straight for the sea of orange stickers, and began filling their baskets. Before you knew it, you had a queue the length of the shop, just before the end of your shift, full of women with overflowing baskets of reduced items. It made my heart sink every time one of those baskets appeared at my till, because it took a painfully long time to peel the sticker off each item, enter the reduction code, scan the item, type in the new price and then repeat the process at least a dozen times, while the next customer – generally a suit ‘n’ tie type of businessman only just getting home from work – waited impatiently with his solitary pint of milk or microwave meal for one, glaring at you in annoyance. In fact, I frequently tried to either rush through or draw out a particular transaction in order to avoid being the unfortunate cashier who got the next basket of orange stickers.

With the old ladies, it was an assortment of bread, milk, cheese, ham and those sorts of basic groceries. With the Chinese women, quite inexplicably, it was always vegetables; and usually an entire basket of identical vegetables. I never quite understood it – and it was the most annoying one of all, because you couldn’t scan in multiples of reduced items. They had to be done individually, one sodding carrot at a time, even if there were twenty all at the same price.

Anyway, late one Friday night, a basket of orange-stickered Romaine lettuces presented itself at my till. Wearily, I went through the peeling, typing and scanning process, packed the customer’s bag, smiled politely, took payment, gave change, and went on to the next customer. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I watched the lettuce woman inspecting her receipt. The orange sticker people were always the worst. They went through the receipt with frightening intensity, and were almost gleeful if they found a mistake. Not this woman, however. She was utterly furious. Slightly alarmed, I paused in my dealing with the milk-and-microwave-meal man to observe her approaching my till with all the gentleness of a raging bull.

She barely spoke a word of English, but from her raised voice and hand waving and brandishing of the receipt I managed to deduce that I had missed one of the orange stickers and charged her 20p more than I should have. It was an easy (and common) enough mistake, and I apologised and asked her to wait as I finished with my customer. This was not the right thing to do. Incensed, she removed the aforementioned lettuce from her bag and slammed it down in front of me, pounding the counter with her fist and shouting in a language that I had no hope of understanding. I tried to explain that I could not open the till to give her the 20p until I’d finished the current transaction; she, in return, screamed “Racist! Thief!” and tried to hit me over the head with the lettuce.

“Steady on, hen!” said my customer, looking nervously at her, as I panickily tried to open the till without properly completing the transaction. I was too flustered to think straight – everyone was staring, the sound of undesirable accusations filled the air, and an irate customer was trying to knock me out with a reduced vegetable. She flat-out refused to let me press any buttons on the till, and when she actually reached for me across the counter I hurriedly fumbled in my pocket, produced 20p of my own, and flung it down in front of her. She did not appear to want it, and continued to yell “Racist! Thief! Bad girl!” for all to hear. The duty manager, fetched by a customer who clearly feared for my life, appeared on the scene like a knight in shining armour, and I shakily explained the situation to the best of my ability (given that I didn’t really understand it myself). His attempts to calm the woman down failed completely, and in his polite but firm manner he asked the lettuce woman to step outside. By way of response, she attempted to slap me.

I want to assure you, dear reader, that I am not making any of this up. There exist people in the world who will wish to kill you for accidentally charging them an extra 20p for a lettuce. The manager hastily stepped between us and put his hand on lettuce woman’s arm to guide her towards the exit. “Racist!! Bad man!” screamed lettuce woman, pummelling him with her fists. I mean, honestly.

By the time he got rid of her, apologised to the customers, and gently escorted me outside to put a cigarette in my mouth, I was bright red and not sure whether to laugh or cry. The manager wore a similar expression when, at the end of my shift, he summoned me to his office and informed me that lettuce woman’s friend’s daughter had been on the phone to discuss a reported incident of racial discrimination. She was – of course – a lawyer specialising in that particular field. Thankfully she was also sane, and accepted the manager’s account of the incident with a laugh and an apology, but still. What an Utter Raving Lunatic.

As you can imagine, the sight of orange sticker baskets caused me a great deal more anxiety from then on…

Inspired By You (#1)

Grannymar suggested: Stick a pin in your Blogroll. Open the one your pin has landed on, now take the fourth sentence from it and away you go!

So, I found myself on the highly entertaining page of Mr. Ed Hillan. I counted to the fourth sentence, and it said – wait for it – “Of course, I’ve since left that job.” Oh, come on!

However, rather than avoid a close-to-the-heart issue and pick another blog, I’ve decided to go ahead and write about this. Regular readers will know that I’m currently looking for a new job, although it’s not as dire as it first appeared. I was under the impression I was being turfed out, with the words “end of September” echoing in my ears like the sound of the approaching killer’s footsteps in a horror movie. Don’t need to (and can’t!) go into any details, but the general gist of the current situation is that I’m looking for a better job, one that presents me with a challenge and hopefully a salary that allows me to loosen the belt a bit. Until then, I’m safe in the job I have – and grateful for it.

Haven’t a clue where I’ll end up, but it’s got me thinking about all the jobs I’ve had. The one I’m in now is my first full-time job, and was really only meant to be a stop-gap until I figured out what to do with my life. I started it almost four years ago. Oops!

My favourite job ever was my very first part-time job, when I was 16. I worked Saturdays and a couple of evenings at the local Petsmart store, near my parents house. I earned £3.17 an hour and thought I was rich. Those were fun times! I was so proud of my bright red t-shirt and little yellow name badge, and I loved my work. I helped out everywhere I could, cleaning animal cages, feeding fish, stacking can after can of dog food on the shelves, serving and chatting to customers. Sometimes Chris – the manager – let me take my favourite snake or lizard out of its cage and just wear it somewhere about my person as I cleaned the store and “faced up” at the end of the night,* which proved to be quite terrifying for the occasional last-minute-before-closing shopper, who encountered me amongst the cat toys with a snake draped around my neck. There was also a parrot called Flossie, who I just adored. I was mad about The X Files at the time, and managed to teach the bird to whistle the famous first 6 notes of the theme tune – everyone was very impressed at first. Understandably, their admiration wore off when she decided to whistle it at every single person who walked past. Repeatedly. Forever.

Unfortunately, the store wasn’t making enough money, and they closed us down after I’d been working there for around a year (I don’t think it was my fault, though). It was very sad, especially since I was half in love with one of the guys from the livestock section. (However, he ended up being my first proper boyfriend, following the big Farewell Party, so that was a nice souvenir.) After that, I worked briefly in a petrol station on the Doury Road, which was a living nightmare, with kids who came in at 11pm in their pyjamas and just ran along the aisles with their arms outstretched, knocking everything on to the floor. Plus, people kept asking me how to work the carwash, like I’d have a clue, and the manager was a mean little guy on a weird, unmerited power trip. I didn’t even hand my notice in – one morning I phoned and told them I hated working for them with a passion, and I just didn’t go back. It was that bad.

Other jobs have included Sainsbury’s (Glasgow and Ballymena, both equally dull) and the Bureau de Change cubicle in Glasgow Tourist Office (I used to actually fall asleep in there. And no one noticed.).

It’s not a great CV, is it?!

*”Facing up” – the rather odd name given to the task of going around the store at the end of the day, pulling all the products to the front of their shelves and making sure every label faced the front. Ten years ago, and I still remember that. That’s how dedicated I am. You’d employ me, you know you would.

Important Decisions

“Zed?” I ask seriously as my colleague approaches my desk. “Do you have any strong feelings about toilet roll?”

Zed pauses reflectively, then shakes her head. “No. I mean, I have some feelings – obviously - but not strong ones. Why, do you?”

I nod earnestly, and she pulls up a chair, preparing herself for the onslaught. “Let’s hear it, then.”

I explain my thoughts, which have stemmed from a realisation on my way home last night that I had no toilet roll left in the house. I stopped in at the Spar on the Grove Road, and surveyed the toilet roll aisle. It was the first time in my life that I’d performed this task with the serious contemplation I now realise it deserves. Money was, until very recently, no object to me. This was a mistake, as I now realise (now that I don’t have enough, I mean). There are significant savings to be made in the most trivial and simple ways; for example, shopping at Lidl instead of Sainsbury’s, being organised about meals (as opposed to buying a Chinese here and a pre-packaged sandwich there), and – crucially – looking at the entire selection of toilet rolls on the shelves instead of just grabbing the one with the cutest animal on the packet.

I found myself overwhelmed and a little panicky as I tried to evaluate my prioities. Priorities concerning toilet roll were never something I’d ever had to consider in the Good Old Days (when I had money). “So,” I explain to Zed, “I’m looking at the 4-pack of Andrex and it says £2.49. And I’m thinking, holy cow, that’s an awful lot of money for something I’m going to intentionally flush down the toilet. Then I glance across and see 4 rolls of Spar own-brand economy toilet roll for 69p. Why would I spend £2.49 when I could spend 69p? So I examined it and realised that it was so thin, I’d probably go through more than double the amount, so it’d work out more expensive and less convenient in the long run, because before I know it I’m going to be standing here having this dilemma all over again.”

Zed is being very understanding. “I understand,” she says. “What did you do in the end – you did buy some toilet roll, didn’t you?”

I nod. “Lotus,” I inform her. “4 rolls, £1.29, not too thin, but not too dear. Would you say I made the right choice?” I’m looking anxiously at her, awaiting her sage advice. To my relief, she is nodding approvingly, proudly, even.

McBouncy appears and is brought up to speed on the situation. We ask how she chooses her toilet roll.

“Do you know there’s actually perfumed stuff these days?” she asks scornfully. “What a ridiculous idea. Why on earth would you want to perfume something that’s going to end up smelling like -”

“Which brand do you buy, McBouncy?” asks Zed hastily.

“I buy in bulk,” she says cheerfully. “Sports Relief phoned me and made me an offer – 60 rolls of toilet roll and 100 bin liners for £75.” We look at her incredulously. “You bought 60 rolls of toilet roll?” I splutter. “…for £75?” adds Zed. “AND 100 bin liners!” adds McBouncy, as if this makes it perfectly understandable. We stare at her. “Plus… it was for charity…” she finishes lamely.

If someone phoned McBouncy up and asked her to purchase a small Pygmy tribe, and they were giving away a free drinking straw with every order, she would do it.

Some thoughts

I think it’s a sign that you’re becoming much less uptight when, at the checkout in Sainsbury’s on a Saturday afternoon, with the entire population of Ballymena doing their shopping under one roof, and several people waiting behind you in the queue, your card is declined and you don’t start to cry there and then.

I think it’s also proof of the need for the little hidden stash of Emergency Cash that so many people have warned me against having. (Don’t worry, it’s gone now. Just try robbing me.)

I think the journey from Sainsbury’s to your place of residence actually becomes longer in direct correlation with the amount of cash you are on your way to retrieve, with the knowledge that your trolley full of neatly packed groceries is waiting to be paid for at Customer Services.

I think it takes great bravery and humility of character to run breathlessly walk back into Sainsbury’s and hand over your Emergency Cash Stash in such a situation, especially if, say, you used to work in Sainsbury’s and will more than likely know the person behind the desk.

I think it’s character-building to be putting away your half-thawed, dripping groceries whilst staring at the hastily-obtained cash machine print-out of your account ‘balance’, prompting the sinking, sobering realisation that you may have to make said groceries last for a very, very long time. (Or alternatively, that your weight-loss is about to start going really well.)

I think it’s good to get a wake-up call about your unwise, frittering-style spending habits at the checkout in Sainsbury’s as opposed to being evicted because the direct debit for your rent was refused, or the repo men coming to take away your car due to payments not being made.

And now I think things are going to have to change…

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